Wilde Life

“Thank you, I’ll be right there!”, I drop the phone and try to breathe. “Your daughter has had a seizure, we are not sure what caused it, we have called an ambulance but you should come to the school right away.” I replay the words in my head and I am actively fighting panic. Oh Lord, not my daughter, not another thing, please Lord I need a break. The old “poor me” mentality is scratching at the back of my head. I push down that voice that tells me, “everything bad happens to me”, that voice that says to me, “you do not deserve happiness”, and I replace it with truth, with the voice of my Father, his voice that says, “I am here, you belong to me, give this to me and I will carry it.” Another deep breath, and a plea, “Please God protect my daughter, she is only 9 and has already been through too much in her short life”. I grab my keys and head to the Elementary School. When I arrive I am met by the principle and my daughters 5 grade teacher. My daughters teachers approaches me first. I ask her, “What happened, she has never had this kind of thing happen before?” “All the kids were standing on the bleachers preparing to practice for the fall show when we noticed your daughter staring strangely then suddenly timbered forward”, her teacher is wringing her hands as she speaks, the evidence of her concern. This teacher has been with my daughter for 4 of her 5 short elementary school years, she has been devoted, patient, and supportive throughout our tumultuous and tragic past. She has become more then just a teacher to my daughter, she has become our friend. The worry is mapped out in the lines around her eyes and furrowed forehead. She blinks rapidly to fight back tears, she continues, “Her classmates standing by her noticed her start to fall and caught her before she hit the ground, she did not hit her head in the fall, she shook for about 7 seconds then laid still for about a minute before she came to.” It starts behind my eyes, that buzzing, like one of those cheap hotel beds that you put a quarter in and it shakes, spreading through me like a virus, my eyes start to burn and a glass shard rock has lodged itself in my throat making it impossible to speak. I lift a shaky hand to wipe a treacherous tear from my cheek. The principle begins to speak now but I am having a hard time hearing past the ringing that has started in my ears. She says something about an ambulance on the way, something about contacting a Neurologist to make sure she hasn’t had an epileptic episode, I am numb. I follow them to the “sick” room within the schools office and when I see my daughter laying on the cot the dam breaks and I begin to sob. I am kneeling on the floor next to her cot holding her tightly. “Everything is going to be ok, we will figure out what happened.” I am speaking into to the back of her head, that space behind our ears where hair doesn’t grow, that space that is always warm and soft. I am trying to comfort her as well as myself. “Ivy”, my daughters teacher breaks in, “You might want to call someone to take you to the doctors, someone who can be with you through this……”.

Who do I call, who do I have that will go through this with me? Since Ash has left its just been me and the girls. I have my mom, I always have my mom, I have work colleagues I could call, I have friends that I know would rally behind me, but I want protection right now, I want strength, I want comfort……..I want Ash.

These words swirl and bend around me like a carousel…….

Ash has been gone 6 months now, we stopped communicating after 3 months of hurtful words over the phone. These last 6 month have been the hardest in my life and also the most rewarding. The girls and I bought a house and I went back to work full time as the manager of a childrens clothing store. The girls are doing better every day….in school, with each other, at home. I think the routine of our lives is starting to create a space for healing. I miss Ash everyday and I still love him madly, but my heart has turned toward anothers love, a love that has revealed my deep wounds and my desperate need of a saviour before I can ever begin to love another the way they deserve to be loved.

Weeks after Ash moved to Hawaii I couldn’t get through a day without checking my phone, my email, anything that might connect me with him, keep me tethered to him, but he didn’t call or write. I hated him, I would call and leave horrible messages about how he destroyed my daughters faith in ones ability to stay and be trusted. I would tell him how selfish he was to walk out on them and that I would never forgive him. He would eventually call back, but would respond curtly and shut off. I would hang up the phone and weep. “F#*k my life!!! Everything bad happens to me”, ” why doesn’t anybody love me enough to stay?!!!!!”, I would scream this at the wall and slam my bedroom door shut. The emptiness in my heart was inescapable and crushing, the anger and bitterness I felt was suffocating, I was drowning in my loneliness, I throw myself onto my bed, unable to get up. “I stayed…..” I hear these words in my head like a hum, reverberating and vibrating though my soul, “I never leave…..”, I feel the words again. “I KNOW!!!!” obstinately I shout this into the air, knowing who the words came from. “But your’e not tangible, you cannot give me a hug, I cannot see you or feel you, so what good are you?” I begin to sob, I am desperate for human touch, desperate to be comforted desperate to feel anything other then broken and angry. “I loved him so much, and he left me”, the words push out like a groan. “Love never wounds, it does not attack, it is not hurtful…….”. These words swirl and bend around me like a carousel, the truth of them weighty and thick. “Oh God!!!!”, I cry, “I never thought about him, I only ever thought about my need.” The reality of this truth shakes me and opens me up again, I am undone and wailing like a baby. How did I become so hard? How could I have forgotten what purest love looks like? I am living proof of a love so expansive, so endless and full of grace, a love that is never ending and never fails. I have been forgiven more times then I deserve, without asking for it. I have been held by arms I could not feel, seen with eyes that I could not see, loved with a love beyond measure. My God never gave up on me, never stopped pursuing me, never took his hand off me. Can I trust him with all my broken pieces? Can I trust him with my life? Will I trust him if I am never again with Ash?

“You won’t leave me…..”, I say this smugly, with a look of absolute disgust on my face.

We have been back in Bend now for about 6 months. Ash and I and the girls moved to Mexico last year for about 5 months after our apartment flooded. We have been dating for about a year and a half and most of the time its amazing but recently we have been fighting constantly. Ash has been working graveyard shifts at Home Depot and I can tell its taking a toll. 19 years old and he is trying to be a father and a partner to me. My expectations are unattainable and my need to control every situation has gotten out of hand. But I don’t know how to relax, I cannot let my guard down, its the only thing protecting my broken spirit.

Part of me actually believes that he won’t leave. The other part of me is terrified that he will. Inside my heart has kicked up a notch, my chest suddenly feels as if it will explode, my face is hot and I am afraid that it is turning red, afraid that he will see the truth…….. The truth that I care, that I am afraid that he actually will leave. “Ivy, I cannot do this anymore, I cannot keep fighting, yelling, feeling as if you don’t appreciate me. I love you so much, but loving you is killing me.” Ash says this quietly, as if all the wind has been knocked out of him………maybe I knocked it out of him. I cannot breath, everything has gotten so loud in my head, what is he saying, how do I make him stop. “Ivy, this idea of staying in Bend, hell, staying on the same continent as you, and not being with you is impossible for me, so I have bought a one way ticket to Hawaii and I leave in two weeks. I was able to transfer to the Home Depot in Kona” He is crying as he says this, crying so hard, I want to smack him, I want to grab him and not let go, I want to scream “don’t go”, I want to beg “please forgive me, for my meanness, please give us another chance, I love you and I am lost without you….” instead I say, “You asshole!, I let my girls love you and you are leaving them? After all they have lost? I should have known you would leave…..get the f@#k out of my house!!” Ash stands up to leave, the hurt and pain written all over his face, as if to say, “this is why I have to leave, your pain is hurting all of us”. He heads for the door and I am desperate, my body is shaking, I am sweating, is this really happening? The man that I fell so deeply in love with after I believed that I would never feel again, the man that I thought would never leave, the man that I thought I could control……..actually leaving? “Don’t call them!!!” I shout this at his back spitting venom with my words, “Don’t call me, don’t ever come back!!! He turns around with tears running down his face, his eyes pleading with me. Why can I not just hug him and say good bye? What is keeping me from telling him that I love him. Why can I not be kind? The door shuts. I fall to the floor and weep.

Hello again from abroad…… I have found myself quiet and alone and with some time to write and reflect. Its been a pretty crazy past year without extra time to devote to remembering my past. I prefer looking ahead to the future, not glancing back at the past. However, the past is responsible for who I am today and who I will become in the future. The past can be a powerful tool, shaping us, sharpening us, preparing us, for what is to come. The dark side of the past is that it can also be an anchor of bitterness, keeping us from rising to meet our potential, or a belt of resentment, binding us to a “victim” mentality. We have the great opportunity to decide what we will do with our past……will we allow it to teach us, or will we let it trap us?

The reality of struggling through an 8 year marriage with someone that I completely had lost myself in, someone that I thought I would never be able to live without, and then to lose him so tragically, that reality, shaped who I was with Ash. That reality hardened my heart and erected walls to protect all of the broken pieces. I was safely hiding behind these massive walls of hurt, distrust, insecurity, and anger, when I met Ash. My walls, my level of distrust, my anger and unresolved bitterness is the very thing that caused Ash to leave me again, this time for good, this time far away. Losing Josh was hard, butI could blame his leaving on death. Losing Ash cracked me open in a way I had never been broken because the cause of Ash leaving wasn’t death…….it was me.

Its Monday and I am currently on a plane over the Pacific Ocean. Rian and I have been on Oahu for the past month with Ash.  Ash is still there finishing up the remodel on our rental and working on his current movie.  Its been so long since I have written that I cannot remember where I left off, but no matter, I am experiencing a compulsion to write about the here and now. 

The word that keeps hammering away in my mind, behind the quiet times that I try to create, incessantly knocking, persistently thought provoking……..”alone” Alone??? What does our good old Websters dictionary say about “alone”?  The absence of another? Solitary? Isolated?  This word often provokes feelings of sadness. It often is referred to in a derogatory manner or something that is unpleasant, something that is to be feared and avoided.  “I don’t want to go “alone”, we hear at times as an excuse to not go somewhere or “you left me “alone”, when someones absence hurts you.  How about this one, “you like being “alone”???, we say to someone in shock, as if it is a bad thing.  “I feel so “alone”, yet another phrase we hear.  Maybe from a spouse who is not getting the attention they desire, or a person struggling with depression, or maybe a student who hasn’t met that special friend at school yet.  “Alone-ness” can be scary and lonely, it can rob you of your joy and your security. BUT…… hahah there it is…..but, do we have a correct understanding of “alone” and is it really a bad thing? 

When Josh died I felt so alone.  Years later when Ash left me I felt so alone. However it was during those times of “alone-ness” that I discovered who I was and that I was, in fact, NEVER alone.  Those moments of deafening quiet, moments of solitude and loneliness became beautiful moments of desperation and crying out for something more.  You see I found that though I was afraid to be “alone” it was only when I was physically “alone” that I became aware of a super natural togetherness.  

Our creator planted a seed of desire in our inner most being to search for truth, to search for HIm.  This is a super natural desire that was planed into our innermost core by God . We have to ‘actively’ squelch that desire, its that strong.  We do this in many many ways. We squelch the desire to search for truth by filling the need with sexual partners, alcohol, drugs, music.  We surround our selves with people, parties, money, stuff.  Anything to keep us busy and active living a “loud” life.  Sometimes we even search in all the wrong places, beliefs that are not founded in truth because that seed of desire for truth that the Creator of the Universe planted in our inner most being is so strong.  Quiet inactivity becomes scarce, being “alone” becomes something to avoid.  Staying busy becomes the norm.  Filling our lives up with noise and stuff!, just to avoid feeling “alone”. 

I ask you though my friends……..how many of you live a full, busy, loud life, surrounded by friends and people and still feel “alone”? 

Lets do something together……the next time we have a moment to be alone, take it! The next time you feel alone, FEEL it, sit in it, experience being “alone”, and question the reality of your “alone-ness”.  I think that you will be surprised when you get there.  

Did you know that on the day you were born God appointed angels to watch over you?  You!!! Your angels are specific to You!!! Doesn’t that blow your mind?  God promises to NEVER leave us nor forsake us. We are NEVER alone, we have just misinterpreted the meaning of “alone”.  In reality, “alone” for us, cannot exist because we have a super natural protector and father with us ALWAYS!  Lets stop looking at “alone” as a bad thing, lets stop using it as a derogatory word and revel in our quiet times without people or noise around so that we can be with our Creator God!   He talks to us when we are “alone” with Him! 

To all of you who have joined me on my journey……. Hello again;)  I have missed writing and missed hearing from all of you who are so gracious to comment.  I am encouraged by what you say and the questions that you ask, please don’t be shy….ever……and  feel free to ask or share anything!!! This past year has been a whirl wind to say the least, in both good ways and “growth” ways…..hahahaha

As I opened my laptop to write again today I was surprised to see a “blog post” that I had written almost a year ago and forgotten to post.  I have posted it directly following this one and, funny enough, I just happen to be on a plane, over the pacific ocean, again……heading toward Oahu, this time, instead of away from the islands. 

Once again Ash is working in the islands, this time on a TV series, not a movie so our time on the island will be sporadic at best and not as long as a location job, but still every bit as appreciated and enjoyed!  We miss our Hawaii o’hana more then we can stand at times and often wonder if leaving was the right decision. What would our life look like now if we had not moved to LA 4 years ago? How would we be different, or the same?  I love knowing that no matter the road we choose, the Lord meets us on it, to walk along it with us. 

 

He is gone…….we got into a fight over something stupid and he disappeared.  HIs phone is off and I am going crazy.  I am trying not to feel out of control, but I cannot shut my brain down.  I upset him with expectations. Of course everything should be my way, I am the mother, I am the widow, I am the older one.  I hate it when he tries to act older than he is, why is he trying to give me advice about anything?  As if he knows anything about loss or pain.  As if he knows about anything at all.  Ash is so young how can he even know himself, let alone me.  Yes, I was harsh with him, maybe unkind and cold.   Ash is always calm and nonreactive, he is so sure of himself as if he knows exactly who he is, he acts as if he knows exactly what he wants in life and he hasn’t even really lived yet.

Where did he go, who is he with, how could he leave…me?  So much for holding all the cards, so much for being the first one to leave.  I let myself get angry and it feels good.  Anger is a much safer feeling then confusion or hurt.  Who cares about Ash, I certainly don’t.  It was never going to go anywhere anyway.  I grab my gear and head to the mountain.

Its been three days and still no word from Ash, his phone is not ringing, it must be turned off.   The last thing I said to him before he disappeared was “I hope you don’t actually think this is going anywhere”.   I want to believe that I meant those words, I am trying to convince myself that I believe those words.  The girls are asking if Ash is going to come over and hang out with us.  I have nothing to say to them, I have no idea if I will see him again.  Its frustrating not being able to yell at him for bailing or at least having the opportunity to hang up on him when he calls.  I want to say something mean and hurtful, I want to make him feel pain, I want him to know what he won’t have anymore.  I just wish that I had the opportunity to tell him it’s over.

My phone is ringing…….its Ash.   My stomach knots instantly and I have to remind myself to be angry.  “Hello?”, I say, like ice.  “Hey Ivy”, Ash drawls in his slow smooth way of speaking. “Where have you been?”, I fire this off before I even think! I cannot believe I’ve just said those words….uuuuuuggghh now he knows I’ve noticed his absence. Now he knows that I care.  I should have said “who’s this?”, or “Hey Ash whats up”, any thing else would have been better, but I cannot think, cannons are going off in my head, my mouth is suddenly dry, I am hot and antsy, angry and rigid,  but still, I feel as if I want to cry because I am so happy just to hear his voice.  “I went to visit my god-parents down south”, he speaks with no angst, does he even know how angry I am?  “I needed some space to think and figure out what I want”. I am furious, it’s costing me every ounce of self-control to not huck my phone across the room, my knuckles are white, I hate how this kid affects me.  I hate that the sound of his voice renders me stupid. “What the hell is that supposed to mean Ash”, my voice is cold and shrill, I am telling myself to “shut-off” stop emoting,  get ahold of myself, do not allow him to know that he can affect me.  Play this game better than him, after all I’ve been at it longer.  My brain makes the switch, I actively start to calm down, I refuse to feel, I refuse to care. I just want to hang up.  He’s talking again, “It means that I have never felt this way about anyone before in my life Ivy, and it’s not simple, you have three daughters and I have to know what I am doing before this goes any farther.”  He talks so slow it feels like forever for him to continue, I am holding my breath. “I am sorry that I didn’t tell you where I was going, I am sorry that I didn’t call, I just needed space to think, and I knew that I couldn’t do that if I was anywhere near you.”  He pauses, and I am already thinking of my rebuttal, my shots to fire back at him to wound. I take a breath and am about to speak when Ash starts to speak again.  “You scare me Ivy, you are powerful and beautiful and smart, I lose myself when I am with you.  I had to know how I was feeling.”  I am stunned, and I am starting to get warm all over, he is so honest and vulnerable with his feelings, he is not playing any games, this is foreign to me, I am left speechless.  “Can I come over and see you and the girls?”  His question catches me off guard, “I’d like to talk with you.” He says, and I quickly, without thinking say, “Of course”. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid, he is on his way over and my nerves are stretched taut.  I am flying around my apartment in a fit.  I am so excited to see him and so mad at myself for giving in so easily.  There is a knock on my door and I almost trip over my own feet. I am fumbling down the hall on legs that are refusing to function.  Everything feels like jello, my insides are buzzing and have no structure. Just before I open the door, I school my face to reflect utter apathy.   GAWD,  if he isn’t thee most beautiful man who I have ever seen.  He slowly pulls his beanie off his head and twists it in his hands, his mouth begins the slow stretch of his perfect lips into what will become a radiant smile.  I am undone!  Never has anyone had this kind of effect on me. I am suddenly terrified.  Where has my anger gone?  How can I protect myself without it?  I step back and let him in. 

http://markmcinnis.comphoto by: Mark Mcinnis http://www.wildideasworthliving.com/73

Weeks have gone by and we are existing within a bubble of bliss. Ash and I ride together, talk with each other, laugh together, cook meals together, do laundry together. Most nights he stays over. I actively ignore the conviction that pricks my heart. I deserve this, I deserve to feel happy and alive, I hate the feeling of being alone, I hate being alone with myself. Besides God wants me to be happy.
Its only been weeks since we met and I think that I love him. Just the other day Ash walked into the house and casually asks me, “Hey, where are my three beauties?”, he is asking after the girls but I cannot answer past the lump in my throat. Josh used to call the girls his “three beauties” how would Ash know that, why would he use those words if not for Josh, somehow, being a part of this union? I know its sounds crazy, even in my own head the logic behind it feels flaccid. Josh, somehow orchestrating this, talking to Ash, giving him words to speak to me…… Ugh, I’m reaching for excuses as to why this should continue. A relationship with this guy so much younger than myself. I’m inventing reasons why I should not end this crazy whirlwind with this 18 year old boy who believes himself in love with me and my three daughters. He really is quite amazing with the girls, and oh do they love him. He sees them, talks to them, is interested in what they think and how they are feeling at any given moment. He stoops down to be on their level and snuggles them every chance he is given. I feel whole when the five of us are together. I feel like Josh is behind this whole thing……so why am I crying all the time? I still feel so broken. The fortress that I have so carefully constructed around my heart is weakening. The stronger my feelings grow for Ash, the more acute my pain over losing Josh becomes. I am trying to ignore my inner struggle. “Just have fun Ivy”, my brain tells me, “its not like this can go anywhere anyway.” “This guy is a kid, and a hot one at that, how long do you think he will last with you….a widow….a mother of three……?” All these things are bouncing around in my brain, making me feel crazy and insecure. What if he does tire of me? What if he does leave? Josh left. “What do you care Ivy, you hold all the cards, this guy is a kid, you are only having fun with him, what do you care if he leaves?…..”, my brain is firing off protection phrases to my heart, but my heart is beginning to crack. I don’t think I can handle being left again, I can’t allow myself to be hurt, I begin to close up my heart. “Just have fun with him, enjoy the ride, its not forever.” This will become my mantra, I will repeat this over and over to myself until I start to believe it. I won’t be caught unaware or unprepared again. I will NEVER allow myself to be the one left ever again. I won’t be hurt again, I can’t be hurt again. I will hold all the cards and I will keep them close to my chest. No one needs to know how I really feel, no-one needs to know the truth………the truth that it is already too late, I am already in-love with him. I push that truth down and squeeze my heart into a tiny tight ball. I can control this situation, I will be the first to leave.

 

For those of you who are just now beginning this story, or for those of you that have followed along with my sporadic musings, I encourage you to go back and read posts #6 Wilde Love and #7 Part 2.. I have a tendency to flit around as I write, weaving things together over time and space in a haphazard fashion. I know that it’s not the best writing technique nor is it easy on you, the reader. I am continuing the story of Ash and I……

What do I do now? I know that he is young, I’m not sure how young but young none the less. He has old eyes though, and an old soul, as if he has lived experiences that others older than he have not yet had. I think I will invite him to dinner.
The girls and I have just recently moved into a new condo. We have lived here about 3 months now and we love it. My life is still pretty lonely. I have destroyed those trusting, healthy relationships by my actions and selfishness. I am trying to right this wonky ship and being alone is part of it. Being across the street from a church was no accident either! Our condo is brand new, bright and light, with high ceilings and all new, upgraded appliances. It is by far the nicest house the girls and I have ever lived in and each girl gets her own room. The other upside to this place is that we are only minutes from the mountain and the girls school. Our neighborhood is safe and clean……I’m trying to make that a consistent theme throughout my life right now. I have been “straight”, meaning no drugs now, for a few months and I am feeling stronger and more in control.

I dial his number and I feel butterflies in my stomach, will he know who I am? I got his number from a mutual friend, I’m not even sure he will know my name. The phone rings a couple of times before I hear low and slow drawl of his already familiar voice, “Hello?”…. THUD! My stomach hits the bottom of my rib cage and my heart sets to beating as if I have just finished a 100 meter sprint. “Pull it together Ivy”, I silently chide myself. “Hey, this is Ivy, I don’t know if you rem…..”, I am cut off by a slow chuckle “I remember you”, He says this with a smile on his face, I can hear it in the way he is speaking and it gives me the confidence to continue. “Random question, I was wondering if you wanted to join my daughters and I tonight for dinner, here at my house?” I am secretly thinking to myself, “what young, 20 something guy wants to have dinner with a widow and her 3 young daughters? Why am I even doing this? “I’d love to, what time”, his answer interrupts my thoughts and I am startled and suddenly giddy. “How ‘bout 6”, I casually say though my mouth has gone dry and the stupid grin on my face fails to dissipate. “Great, what can I bring’? He asks calmly. “Not a thing, I got it, see you in a couple of hours.” I hang up and I am suddenly so nervous. What am I getting into? My mind tells me to calm down, this is just a young guy, I have the upper hand, I control this situation, I can walk away when ever I want to. This guy is nothing but a good-looking distraction from life and I could use a good distraction. My heart, on the other hand, is singing a different tune. “Be careful Ivy”, my heart warns, “this one is different”.
Hours go by and I have dinner prepared, the music is on and the girls are bouncing around the living room to the beat of the music. Kylie is meticulously working on her gymnastic techniques….back bends, splits, cartwheels….etc. There is a knock at the door and I rush over to answer it. I open the door and again am hit with the reality of how incredibly beautiful this man is. I feel my face split into an involuntary grin and try to sound as relaxed as possible as I invite him in. “Hi there”, I say as smoothly and seductively as I can, “Glad you made it, come on in.” Ash smiles a slow intoxicating smile that sets my heart on fire as he moves past me through the open door all the while maintaining eye contact. Oh boy, I am in for it. He spots the girls and his demeanor immediately changes. The seduction that I just saw in his eyes has been replaced by a childlike humor and joy as he introduces himself to the girls again. He reminds them of their first encounter. The girls momentary stillness caused from his walking in the room is quickly replaced with jabbering and dancing. I turn away from the commotion to check on dinner and to draw my first real breath since the knock on the door. I turn back around to announce that dinner is almost ready and am met with the bent over figure of a 6ft 3in man doing his best to display his best back bend . I start laughing at his antics, which quickly turns to the desire to cry as I noticed the look on Kylies face as she watches him. She is laughing and giggling and she is smiling. He has captured her attention by capturing her heart. Ash saw Kylie! He didn’t just see 7-year-old girl who he has to be around in order to be around the mom. He saw her, noticed what she was doing, noticed what was important to her, and engaged with her in an arena that was safe for her to feel comfortable with him in.
As the night progressed Ash was jumped on, hung on, talked to incessantly about dolls, pigs, gymnastics, snowboarding, snacks, you name it, the girls wanted to talk to him about it. After dinner the music was back on and conversation continued. I got up to clean the kitchen while the girls peppered Ash with all kinds of questions. I noticed the song on the radio and turned it up. Dance parties have always been a big deal in our house! We love music and we all love to dance. “Baby Got Back” is one of our favorite, booty shaken, songs the girls and I dance to. I laugh out loud when the girls jump up and join me in the kitchen for some “booty shaken”. I look over the tops of the girls heads and say to Ash “hahah, I remember dancing to this at my high school grad dance”. Ash smirks and under his breath says “yeah, I danced to this in like the 3rd grade.” Uh Uh Uh whaaaat?? I am not sure I heard him right and I am making quick work of the math in my head. Oh no what have I gotten myself into? I knew he was young but this was next level. Anxiously I ask him “How old are you?”……… I am holding my breath, I am hoping I heard wrong. Ash is smiling with his eyes and swivels his head slowly to make eye contact, “18”, he says with a slow smile. AAAAAAAAHHHH My inner voice is screaming at me! Holy crap what are you doing Ivy, he is a kid. But that doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t act like a kid or talk like a kid, he doesn’t move or annoy like a kid. HELL he surely doesn’t flirt like a kid! I am devastated. I cannot feel this way about a boy. I am a 27-year-old widow with three daughters. “End this now Ivy”, my inner voice is commanding. “Say goodnight and show him to the door Ivy”. But I can’t listen, I can’t obey, I am already falling for him, I can already feel my heart attaching to his, I can see how much the girls like him, I can feel how much I like him. So I crack some stupid joke and shake my head and I say out loud, “Well this is gonna be fun”. I try to make Ash believe that this is only going to be a fling, I try to make myself believe that he will be a short-lived romance. I try to ignore the truth that when you know…….you know. I am drawn to him the way a mother is drawn to her crying child, I cannot explain it, I cannot control it and I aim powerless to stop it.

July 23, 2018

      Good Morning, did anyone other than myself have a horrible weekend?  A weekend full of unmet expectations and disappointments?  I would love to be able to allow everyone to think that I have this life figured out, that because of everything that I have experienced I now have “arrived”.  I wish that the lessons that I have been through would have come to fruition and that my end grade was A+++, marked “lesson complete, no need to repeat lesson”.   I wish that I could say my husband and I don’t argue, or that I never get discouraged or frustrated.  I wish that I could say,  I was always capable of “rising above”, “seeing the good”, “capturing joy in the midst of sadness”……… but life is hard, reality is brutal, human nature is weak, and we must muddle through. We find ourselves within the same dang lesson that we thought we already had mastered, only to realize that, “we are failing this class”.   

     I was unable to sleep last night, and, as you all have probably figured out, I am a writer.  I process my thoughts and feelings through pen and paper,  Over the course of my 44 years of life I have acquired 28 journals.  I began writing in 6th grade Honors English….a journal was mandatory, part of our final grade……… I have kept them all.  So when I can’t sleep, I write.  Last night I wrote some “Midnight Musings”.  Thoughts I had to encourage myself, strengthen my marriage, articulate my feelings, improve on the next day, week, month, etc….. This is what I wrote……….

                                         I think we need to “simplify” our life, pair down…….quit striving

                                         Be more patient with Rian….

                                         Relax, everyday

                                         Don’t stress about Rians school, he is smart and he is learning

                                         Have more fun

                                         Everything does NOT always have to be so clean!

                                         Cook more

                                         Clean less

                                         Make lunch for Rian everyday at home!

                                         Learn to be still

                                         Its OK when things are not perfect…..

     Can any of you relate to any of this?  I believe that we can allow ourselves to become so “busy” in the “busy work” of life that we are missing out on things that really matter.  Why are we always “striving”?  Striving to finish that project, or remodel our kitchen, or buy a newer car…….whatever “it” is I think we need to take a moment to ask ourselves, “when I am gone, will “this” matter?  Perhaps a little perspective……

     Be more patient…….. this is a tough one for me.  I have high expectations.  Especially with my children.  I want Rian to be a gentleman, smart and articulate, able to communicate well and be “others” minded.  I want him to “want” to learn and be excited about school…….HAHAHAHAHA I mean really…..how many of you know 11-year-old boys who “just can’t wait to start school today!”.  I know this to be an unrealistic expectation and still I “expect” it.  When Rian gives me “guff”, about anything, not just school, but cleaning his room or wanting to “play” on the iPad, not wanting to go to swimming, taking out the trash….etc, you name it…… I get impatient and unyielding, short fused and hard.  How can I expect Rian to be gentle, and kind, articulate and well spoken, when I , the greatest influence (other than his dad) in his life can not exemplify the behavior?

    Relax??? Everyday??? Talk about some unrealistic expectations on myself!!! I don’t relax…….ever!! I have been described as INTENSE more times than I can recall.  I worry about worrying!!! hahah When I get home from church, or vacation I cannot sit down until I get my hands on everything!  I have to water the garden, check the horse, mow the yard, sweep the house, clean the kitchen…even if my daughter has it clean……BEFORE I sit down.  I don’t do, “relax”….and yet I recognize it is something I MUST learn how to do.  I must make it a priority to learn the lesson of “letting go” and relaxing.  ( I don’t know about everyday……baby steps;) hahaha)

     I suppose “have more fun” and “relax” kind of go hand in hand.  You can’t have fun with your family, sitting around the living room, if your left eye is twitching because there are fingerprints on the handle of the refrigerator that you cannot stop staring at because everything in you wants to get up and wipe them off.  You can’t have fun playing catch in your back yard with your kids if you’re hyperventilating over the grass being an uneven length in places.  Oh geeeez so much to work on……so many lessons to still learn.  It’s no wonder that at times we can get a little overwhelmed and frustrated.

“Everything does NOT always have to be so clean……..Yes is does

“Cook more”……. “clean less”    YIKES!!!! My heart is beginning to race…….

            “LEARN TO BE STILL”  Am I trying to kill myself???

            “Its OK when things are not perfect”……… OK this is just too much!! These are not my words……..are they???

BOOOM!!!! And just like that I realize, nope, those are not my words, those are the midnight musings of a frustrated daughter of God the Father,  who is obediently writing the gentle quiet words of a loving Father whispered into her spirit.

You see, my beautiful friends…… we never “arrive”.  We never reach perfection in our life time, we never possess complete understanding and wisdom, we never become the perfect wife, mother, friend, sister, etc.  But we have a promise of something amazing to come……

“For I am confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will continue to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” Philippians 1:6

So face the day with renewed determination. Know that you are never alone nor have you ever been abandoned by God the Father!!! Say to yourself, “I will choose ,to again, go through the trial to learn the lesson, I will maintain an open heart and joyful spirit amidst the frustration,  I will extend grace and tolerance to those around me that are trying to get through their own personal trials, and I will determine to learn this lesson swiftly with a spirit willing to learn, grow, and change….

    Oh my friends we need each other, we need to encourage one another and lift each other up.  We need to know that we are not amidst a trial alone.  Life is hard and NO ONE is without pain or frustration.  As we communicate honestly with one another about real life issues, we become stronger and confident in the knowledge that we are not the only one struggling.  A wise man once said…….”Don’t judge a book by its cover”!!! Astounding right!!! You know that one person (we all have one) who is always shiny and smily and stupidly happy all the time, maybe she/he is struggling too.

Let’s reach out more, encourage more, criticize less, love the process, take time to breathe, grab a friend and a great cup of coffee and RELAX!!

  I love your feedback and all your comments.  I will try to respond to each one if I can……..lets talk;)