Wilde Life

Those of you who know me and have gone on this journey with me, know that this blog has been an unfolding love story. I thought that when I set out to share this story that I would be sharing a love story between two broken individuals who found one another through this “power of love” and created this fortified city of safety, trust, mutual respect, honor, commitment, and passion. And for a time we lived that illusion. We lived that false sense of safety that creates complacency and insecurities because we are relying on a person for our security and identity. What I am learning is that two broken people can not “create” anything apart from God. I write of “when superman falls” but in truth, my husband was never “superman”, he was never the one who, ‘put me back together”, or “made the girls and me a family again”. He was never responsible for healing my broken heart or helping me find joy again. My husband is a man, a human with human qualities and limited abilities. My heart needed the real “superman” the true Healer of brokenness and sorrow, the Savior of eternity and Giver of joy, peace, laughter, and life. I misplaced my affection, my devotion, my trust, and my identity in a man, so when the man fell, I fell too.

Undeniable Love

Why can I not seem to move in a direction……I am paralyzed. Paralyzed by grief, by disbelief, by pain. I am wondering, “where is my backbone, why am I not spitting mad and fighting”? I suppose the honest answer to that is…….Love…….

I think about what Jesus did for all of us. Walking with us on the earth, in places that we have the opportunity to visit, geographical places that really exist, that give us historical proof that Jesus was a real man who really lived and taught…..and died on a cross for us. I think about what he did out of his love for us all, the while knowing that we were going to defame him, deny him, distrust him, disobey him, and ultimately disregard him as King, Lord, and Savior. Jesus’ sole purpose was to love us enough to save us from ourselves so that we could experience freedom, hope and joy throughout a life forgiven by grace. The bible says “God demonstrated his own love for us in this…while we were still sinners Christ died for us” Romans 5:8.

I think about that almost every day now. If 15 years ago someone had told me that my heart would be broken as it is today if I had been warned,” Hey Ivy, you are going to experience “this” in 2021”, I would never have continued forward. I would have graciously bowed out and avoided this rejection. My need to self preserve and self protect is so strong that I would not be able to see that my continuing on could teach me something, or teach others something, or even be used in a “bigger than myself” way for someone else, maybe even someone that I don’t know. My need to self-protect and preserve would say, “get out now, while you still can, while you are still intact”. I would have rejected my future to avoid the pain that I had been warned of. Jesus knew………he had the knowledge of his future…. he knew that his heart and his body was going to be broken, the love of his life (which is ALL of us if you didn’t already know) was going to reject him……and still, he continued on out of his love for us.

Love is a powerful thing….not the mushy, emotional feelings of it……the love that endures the pain, endures the breathtaking heartbreak, remains steadfast in times of turmoil, tries, again and again, the love that says “you are more important to me than my own pain”,

the “love that bears all things, hopes all things endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7)

….. the love that stays.

When Superman Falls

How did I get here? Not geographically, in the spare room of my best friend’s house, thousands of miles away from my home. Perched on the side of a twin-sized bed with a suitcase full of randomly thrown together clothes that aren’t even appropriate for the current season. I drop my head pulling my shoulders into a slump fighting back to urge to cry out and hurl my suitcase at the wall, which is the better option to crying until my eyes are bloodshot and swollen. I can’t allow my son to see me like that again. Ugh, my son, my beautiful, soft-hearted, confused son. He was so good to me on the plane, reaching out and just holding my hand as my body shook from broken emotion. This is not his job, to hold his mom together, to comfort her, to tell her it will be ok. I won’t be ok, nothing will be ok anymore, but I can’t tell him this, I can’t be honest with him about the reality of what has just happened. I look over at him, he has his headphones in watching a movie. He gives me a little half-smile when he notices me watching him and mouths “are you ok mom?” My heart squeezes so painfully that I have to keep from curling my body around it. I nod my head. But I am lying, I am not ok, I don’t know if I will ever be again. I believed in something that wasn’t believable, I trusted someone who wasn’t trustworthy, I relied on things that were unreliable and now I was free-falling. Falling away from everything that I thought would always be…… my family, my home, my security, my partner…….Super-man has fallen and is taking us all down with him.

Wilde “gifts”

Our home for the next couple of months — Las Terrenas Dominican Republic

Oh boy its time to dust off the old keyboard and see if I can remember how to write…… its been a minute since I have found the time to carve out to write. So much has happened in the last few months its tough finding a place to begin.

Today I find myself and the world’s best travel buddy…..AKA Rian (my 13 yr old son) in a beautiful, ghost town of a hotel, in Las Terrenas, Dominican Republic. We are here with my husband for just over a month. My husband is working on a movie and has been here since Dec 26th., he will remain through the middle of March. Rian and I followed behind a bit later, arriving on Jan. 23rd and we will cut out early around the beginning of March.

This hotel resembles a ghost town due to the current pandemic, making this beautiful resort eerily quiet and creates a sense for Rian and I of being “forgotten”………some mornings I wake up, walk outside, frantically look about and wonder did the rapture happen without us? The photo above was taken yesterday as Rian and I were walking back from a morning surf. No one around….no one to talk to…….the crew leaves every morning to work leaving this place deserted and silent. Now you are understanding why I suddenly find time to write;)!

Let me share with you what else we have been up to…….

That’s Right!!!!! We found all these beauties in one walk down a forgotten Dominican beach. Rian chuckles at me each morning when our toes hit the sand and I begin my quiet requests to the Lord…….. “please God help grow my faith, start with the little things so that my faith will mature into a faith that can tolerate the big things, can you please give me the gift of a beautiful, intact, shell…….”. He never fails……I always find my shell…..it sounds juvenile, ludicrous even that something so silly, so insignificant a request could be answered. But even in the insignificant, small, unimportant things that we place little value in…..He finds value in because He finds value in us. The Creator of the universe, who’s hands hold the galaxy in place, finds the time, the care and concern to give us these little gifts to grow our faith. Gentle reminders that speak quietly to us saying, “I see you, I hear you, I care about what you care about, I am with you.”

You see…. Gods Word says,

John 15:7 “If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you.”

It also says….

Matt 17:20″…..Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you”.

Ok but do we even have the faith to believe that IF we had that kind of faith the “mountain” would move??

Thats where John 15:7 comes into play…..”whatever we wish will be done”…… um thats pretty rad!!!

Ask God to start growing your faith…… and don’t feel discouraged, start small, start with the things you may think the Lord doesn’t “have time for”…… needing a parking spot……needing to hear from a friend……needing help finding your keys….. I’m not trying to be silly, try it…….. Here is your encouragement:

2 Timothy 2:13 “If we are faithless, HE remains faithful- for he cannot disown HIMSELF”!!!!

You have nothing to lose…..

Say this prayer with me, out loud, open up your heart and your hands to the Father, “Heavenly Father, Creator of the universe, Prince of Peace, forgive me for my lack of faith at times, forgive me when I forget that through you all things are possible, even finding my car keys…… I ask in your sons Jesus name that today you would begin to grow my faith. I trust in your goodness, I believe your Word. Thank you for inclining your ear to hear me. I love you. Amen

I would love to hear back from any of you about your faith journey, and hear about all the “gifts” you received from your Heavenly Father as he grows your faith!

Wilde New

In a time of frustration, confusion, fear, and sadness, I wanted to share a little joy. A small reminder of the miracle of this life, and the profound contentment and joy that can be found when you choose LOVE. In a time of mass division, a reminder of the power of unity, the power of togetherness, the power of family.

These three beautiful humans with me in this photo are my second, and sweetest daughter, “Grace”, my incredible husband, “Ash”, and my newest most precious gift, “Sam”, my daughters firstborn son. Sam was born last month in, what is going to be, a most historic year. He was born in a year of fear, unrest, division, and contradiction. He has been a beautiful reminder to me that when the world feels like it is falling apart, when relationships all around me are dissolving, due to differing opinions…..God is still in the business of creating beauty and unity.

We need one another. We need the support and kindness, the nearness and connection of others to smooth out our rough sided feelings and fears. We need our family to remind us that though we might think differently, we are still together in loving each other and our growing familial unit. A reminder that it is our textural and colorful differences that make the human race so beautiful and complex.

Sam if a perfect example of how something new and beautiful, undefiled and unaffected by fear and anger,…..can be born into a world of chaos and unrest and still find comfort and peace in the arms of his mother.

Can I encourage you today to take a moment to look around you discover the beauty that is still all around you. Take a moment to call someone, just to tell them that you love them. Lay your weapons down for a moment today to find peace with another….

Matthew 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God

#34 Wilde broken tether

The phone is ringing…..once…..twice…… I don’t know if he will pick up. Lately he has been not answering, I haven’t spoken with him in quite awhile, not since learning about him dating. I threw some very unkind and hurtful words his way. I suppose I would avoid my calls too.

I feel different lately. My world looks so different to me recently. I am finding joy in the here and now, I am able to sit on the floor with my daughters and read a book, laugh with them, play with them. For a long time after Josh died I couldn’t stop long enough to recognize their needs. I have been so lost inside my own pain, my own sadness, I failed to recognize their need for comfort, their need for me.

We are finding our routine again, we are finding our way. I have been managing a children’s clothing store, the girls are beginning to thrive again in school, Lili started kindergarten we bought a home. Our world is moving on and away from the painful past. I am lonely most of the time, heartsick for love, for touch, for a partner, but I am never alone anymore. I have fallen headlong into the arms of my redeemer and allowing him to guide my life, trusting in his timing for my future.

“Hello?”……… ,WHAM……,a crushing pressure collapses my chest, his voice, on the other side of the line, a tether between us that threatens to undo my resolve. I close my eyes and see his beautiful face, I pull a deep breath, “Hi you”, I say, “How have you been’? I am fighting for strength, fighting the urge to cry, fighting my own desire to be angry with him for not wanting me. Who do I choose right now? Myself? Or Him? “I’m good, just got in from a surf”. He replies slowly. I can see him behind my closed eyes, perched on a stool, one foot on the ground, the other pulled up to the first rung of the stool, bending his knee giving his towel a place to rest. No shirt, just surf shorts, he has grown his hair out, its shaggy and starting to fall into his eyes. He is so brown, his teeth so white, and he is happy. BAH! I Shake my head….. “focus Ivy” I say to myself. Its so good to hear his voice I don’t want to say what I know I need to, so I procrastinate. I tell him about the seizure and about the doctors appointment and the waiting for the results. I tell him about Gracie having to have a tooth pulled and how terrifying for me that is. I don’t tell him that I miss him, I don’t tell him that I want him, need him, am broken without him. I’m going to choose him first, love him first. I have found my resolve at last. “Ash”, I say with trepidation, “I wanted to apologize for the way that I have been treating you these last few months”, I hurry on, cutting him off not wanting to hear his response. “I have thought about you every minute of every day lately and….,” he cuts in, “Ivy, I can’t…..”, I cut him off again, desperately trying to ignore the rejection I hear in his voice, desperately trying to not react with cruelty to mask my hurt. I press on, “I know that you are dating someone….”, again he begins to speak, “Ivy, its not….”, “please”, I say, “let me finish….. my greatest desire is for you to be happy, even if that means not being with me.” Do I really believe what I am saying? If I do, why then, do my eyeballs feel like they are going to explode, why is there a literal ache in my chest as if my heart is tearing in two ,why can I not swallow around the painful rock in my throat. “I miss you, and I love you, and I want you to be happy”, I spit this out as fast as I can so that I don’t choke on my words. Ash is trying to talk, but my ears are ringing, I know that when I hang up the phone I will not pick it up to call him again, the tether will snap, the connection lost, the silence will be deafening. I cannot listen to his reasoning, I cannot hear the softness in his voice or the fact that he is thanking me for the call and admitting that he still loves me. I cannot feel or my flesh will win, my pride will rise up and fight, my words will start to cut and punch. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I don’t want to say mean things just to get a reaction, to wound him because I am wounded. I love him, I love him enough to stop hurting him, I love him enough to protect him from myself. This is my truth, I do love him enough to say goodbye.

A Reminder

# 33 Wilde phone call

Laying down my desire to pick up the phone.

“Vasovagal Syncope?”, I try the words out loud that the neurologist just used to explain what had happened to my daughter. “Yep”, the doctor responds, “I am pretty sure that this is the type of episode that your daughter experienced, however I would like to schedule an EEG to rule out anything else.” , the doctor is speaking to me as if everything that my 8 year old daughter has gone through is normal. I want to shake him, to cover my ears and shout “shut up, just shut up!!” “Fainting episode, fairly common, in children when they stand for too long. Lets see her back here next week for the EEG and we will go from there.”, he finishes with his outstretched hand towards me as if a handshake is appropriate for this kind of thing. I nod my head and turn for the receptionists desk numbly grabbing my daughters hand….

As I leave the neologists office holding my daughters hand I am silently praying that the diagnosis of the doctor is accurate. Maybe she did have a “fainting” episode from standing too long. I suppose we will know more in the coming week when she will have an EEG to “rule” out anything more serious.

My first born, she is so strong, so sure of herself and so grown up. Even in the midst of something so scary and unsure, she is stalwart and brave. I glance down at her, tiny little person, full of strength and justice and the pressure in my chest intensifies, “Lord, how do I do this on my own?, How do I be all things to these little girls, when I can’t seem to heal myself”? I rapidly blink my eyes and draw in the deepest breath that I can to calm the quaking deep inside me. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13 replays in my head. Its a promise that I have been grasping onto lately. I believe that “all things work together for good for those who love God” (Romans 8:28), but believing something and “living” that something out are often in opposition with each other. Our flesh fights against our spirituality. Our flesh desires whatever will make us “feel” good at the moment, whatever will take away our pain, our loneliness, our sadness, our anger……the problem is that most of those “fixes” are temporary and when reality recoils, as it always does, we are left angrier, lonelier, sadder, and more broken than before. You see our flesh wants what fixes our “feelings”, our spirituality fixes the source. My flesh, does not want to be alone, my flesh wants to be with Ash. I remember something my sister said to me just a couple of days ago when I was wallowing over a conversation that I had with Ash. He had told me that he was dating someone in Kona. I pretended to suddenly get busy and needed to hang up. As I laid the receiver down, I collapsed onto the floor and wept, so hurt, so angry, so lonely. I called Amber and lashed out, “how can he say that he loved me and the girls and leave us?” “I can’t believe its over, I can’t believe we are not together, I have never loved anyone like him?”, I am weeping….to this my sister replies, ”Ivy how can you know its over?’, “Maybe its not about you not being with Ash…….Maybe its about you not being with Ash “right now”?”……. As I replay these words in my head I am confronted with the truth that I love Ash, but do I love him the way the Lord loves me? Do I love him according to the “definition” of love…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not brag, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record of wrongs. Love does not delights in evil but rejoices in the truth. It ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. Love never fails.

Do I want to be with Ash for me or for him? Am I the woman he needs, or am I being self-seeking, wanting only what I want? If the Lord wants the very best for me, “beyond what I can hope for or imagine”, then the Lord wants the very best for Ash too. Am I the best for Ash? If I am honest……..no. I am angry, I am bitter, I do not trust anyone, I am broken, but I do love him, and I am willing to trust in whatever plan the Lord has for my life.

I suppose its time for me to make a phone call. A phone call that will crack me open, will leave me vulnerable, and raw, a phone call to tell Ash just how much I love him. A phone call to let him go.

Pieces of Me

A little glimpse into the heart of me. I thought I might take a break from the past and share a little of the present. I have been ruminating on this quite often lately……the “now”, taking this moment, experiencing it, enjoying it. As I have shared with you already, my husband works in the film industry, he is a stunt performer, rigger, coordinator. We travel about 60% of the year. Currently we are in England. A small village outside of north London called Harefield. Its historic and quaint, picturesque but cold. I miss my cozy home, my daughters, my grandson. I miss the warm weather and wearing slippers everyday (thats Hawaii slippers, not the fuzzy kind). I am suffering from “one of those mornings” when I ask myself, “did we do the right thing?”. Was moving away from a steady business, friends like family, and a safe island bubble the “right” choice? Then….I receive a gentle reminder…the only “right” choice is the choice to abide in Christ, to fall humbly at his feet, surrender myself, my day, my thoughts, my hopes, my desires, my marriage, and my dreams, and trust that THIS is the day that the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad! I am whole because the Great Physicians hands meticulously and patiently mended me together again, I am happy because my joy is found in freedom, I am hopeful because my eternity is secure, I am confident because the King of the world has called me his daughter. This life is a treasure, our experiences are gifts, our hardships are lessons, and our pain breeds wisdom.

These “pieces” of my heart, all play parts within the story of my life, and remind me to find joy in the present day. My daughters and son teach me how to be a mother, to love someone beyond myself to make a decision based on anothers feelings and desires, not my own. The two women in the last picture titled, “longest and dearest friends” have been with me since childhood and there isn’t one thing that they do not know about me…… the good… and the ugly, and they still call me friend. My sister has shown me a loyalty and steadfastness in relationships and commitments that I would never know without her. The pic titled “a favorite person of mine” has held my hands and prayed over me when I was struggling, is willing to go out of her way to see me, writes me notes and mails them…….. Yes!!!…. true story actually puts a stamp on an envelope and puts it in the mailbox!!! hahaha. The picture titled “Ohana”, these women are my family in Hawaii and I trust them with my secrets, with the things that are hard to say out loud, with my marriage, with my kids. My mom is in the pic titled “buddys” and she is responsible for my security and confidence, she taught me how to take risks and adventure through life, she made my world a world of fun and opportunity. And finally “commitment” thats “him” thats the man that gave it all up for a chance at a life with a 27 year old broken hearted, hot mess, a little bit crazy, mother of three, who needed to be given another chance at love. He holds my heart, he has earned my trust, he has my respect and admiration, he is the love of my life and I will follow him wherever he will go. Thank you Lord Jesus for these “pieces” of me, each one hand picked by you to be a part of my story, to be a part of the reason that I believe “This, today, is the day the Lord has made, today, right now, I will CHOOSE to rejoice and be glad!”