Wilde Life

Wilde Birthday………I wrote over this holiday break and am just now posting it…….sorry about the delay

Josh would be 44 today. I was having dinner last night with my sister and brother-in-law, laughing about being young and married and remembering all the stupid things we said and did. Those are the moments that I wish Josh were still alive. I would love to be able to see the middle aged Josh, the more mature grown up version of Josh. I would love for him to know me now, to know who I am growing up to be. I would want to tell him how sorry I am about who I was when we were younger and who I wasn’t. Man, the knowledge and wisdom we glean from experience is astounding and the fact that we cannot recognize our immaturity when we are young is incredible. Oh the battles that I wouldn’t fight now, if I had known then what I know now. The words that I used back then to wound and hurt, the way that I would push him to fight back because I was so desperate for any reaction, even if if was hurtful. Josh and I had so many struggles, so many separations and reconciliations. We loved each other madly and fought insanely. Our “tool” belt was light and lacking tools, it was not very useful back then. I didn’t, couldn’t understand the sacrifice Josh was making at 18. I had no way of understanding what becoming a father felt like to a boy desperately trying to be a man. What he would have to sacrifice and what dreams he watched flit away. I was so absorbed in the moment, in the madness, of being a wife and a mom at 19, that I failed to recognize what Josh was giving up for me.
We had only been married 4 months when our first daughter was born. It was August in Bend and I was 14 days post due date. Josh and I had rented a little two bed one bath bungalow on the westside of town on a quaint street just two blocks from where Josh worked. We could only afford to own one car so Josh rode his bike to work everyday and home for lunch. Lunch usually consisted of a microwaved potatoes with ketchup. Had it not been for my father-in-law delivering a bag of groceries to us weekly, we would have been hungry often.
I went into labor around 9:30 pm and Josh and I headed off to Saint Charles hospital.
“ How did anything matter before her? This little girl with the black staring eyes and the silent entry into my world stole and locked my heart away with her forever! I looked at Josh and we were both crying and laughing and looking bewildered, we had created perfection. In that moment I vowed to never again get mad at Josh for the weed he frequently hid from me. I vowed to keep my mouth shut when hurtful words and angry thoughts threatened to spill out and cause a fight. How could we ever fight again when we have this perfect baby girl to live for?
The next couple of years were hard…..financially, emotionally…..but Kylie was my reason. Josh and I struggled and fought. I wanted a girlfriend/husband, someone who would sit down and chit chat with me, talk about everything and hide nothing. Josh wanted space and freedom to make choices without his over idealistic wife breathing down his neck. Josh felt trapped and parented. I felt lonely and misunderstood. Yet being apart was not an option for either one of us, we still loved each other madly, we just could not figure out how to love one another before we loved ourselves. I couldn’t lay my weapons down from fear of being hurt, lied to, ignored. Josh couldn’t lay his weapons down because he would be left vulnerable and open to an onslaught of criticisms and failures. Getting pregnant again would be the perfect solution to mending a fractured marriage……I was certain….I was mistaken……

 

 

Well we just arrived home yesterday after being evacuated from our home due to the Thomas Fire burning here in Ventura county. We stayed with some friends of ours in Santa Clarita for three nights. God Bless them!!!  So far this blaze has claimed 155,000 acres of land and over 400 structures. Miraculously, not one life has been lost due to the fire.

Over 4,000 fire fighters have joined forces from all over the United States to help contain this animal and we are still only 10% contained. As Ash and I were driving yesterday we saw fire engines from Clackamas county, in Oregon driving down here to help.  I am humbled by the amount of fire fighters who have left their homes and families to join with our forces to fight for people and structures that they have no emotional tie to, serving just to serve because they believe in the cause, not out of a need to receive accolades or praise. These small towns of Ventura, Ojai, Oak View, and Carpinteria, are forever changed by this natural disaster, not just geographically, but emotionally.  For a short time, in our current crisis, we experienced living without human stereotypes or social classes and separations.  The walls and boundaries of social status and standing dissipated in the midst of chaos and desperation. The “rich”, those who we would label as “upper class” co-habitating in temporary shelters and “rescues” with the not so rich, the classification of  “middle to lower class” individuals sharing food and water, sleeping on a cot, together in an open warehouse. People with needs, people praying together that their homes would not be burned to the ground.

Why does it take this kind of tragedy for the human race to figure out how to love? How to be kind? How to look beyond the end of our own nose to see another? Why are we so quick to segregated and separate for our own comfort rather than step out in our discomfort and love someone who is different from ourselves, someone, perhaps, less fortunate than ourselves.  Or, you may be on the other end of the spectrum, looking down your nose with contempt and bitterness at another because in this life they have been blessed financially more than you. You may be unkind and judgmental out of jealousy or resentment for what you don’t have. Whatever side of the fence that you are on, it’s the wrong side guys!!! This is going to sound elementary dear friends but here it is…………NO human life is worth more than another. We are all perfect creations of God Almighty.  Each one of you has been planned and designed specifically with a plan and purpose that is unique to YOU!  Do you know that those things that you may not like about yourself physically……..thighs, butt, stomach, freckles, teeth, hair WHATEVER…..was thought over and specifically and personally created for you!!! You are not an accident, you are not a mistake, you are not less than ANYbody else. We, as a human race are beautiful and diverse we are capable and intelligent.  My friends why are we not working together to remove any and all stigmas???  Why are we not embracing our differences and diversity and LEARNING from each other.  It does not matter who you are or what kind of education you have had, you can still learn from another. You have not lived their life, you have not experienced their circumstances, therefore you can be taught by them!
Its time for us to lay our weapons down ( I mean that as a figure of speech, I am NOT anti-guns ) ! The weapons of arrogance, anger, resentment, bitterness, apathy, selfishness, jealousy and most importantly unforgiveness! We need to hit the “reset” button and start over. Try and do this with me tomorrow. Give someone in your life the benefit of the doubt, give them a second chance, FORGIVE them.  Every single one of us has blown it!! If you can look in the mirror and honestly say to yourself that you have NEVER made a mistake, never been unkind, never put yourself before another, then this whole post means nothing to you.  But, if you are among those of us who have hurt another, lied to another, acted selfishly, acted hostile, lost your temper, acted like you’re better then another…..then, try this with me! Try to begin again tomorrow and help create a change!

 

Take a look at the fire map guys…. my house is in Oak View, a small community below Ojai, where the blue dot is……. the flames were all around my home and our little town did not burn!  That is miraculous, that is cause to rejoice, we are still here for a reason! We have purpose to fulfill, we have meaning!  You have meaning!  You were designed with a specific plan and purpose! Go find it, and be kind!

My mom asked me this morning, “Does writing this blog become painful while remembering the past, or do you think that it is good for the healing process?”. I spoke with my Mother-in-Law (Josh’s Mom) yesterday, and she said that reading this blog makes her cry. In the answer and response to both of those conversations I was a little surprised …….. To my Mother-in-Law I replied, “I am sorry it makes you cry, I cry often while I am writing it, however I believe that this is a story that needs to be shared”. To which she agreed. My response to my own mother was a little more wordy….hahah big surprise eh;) !!

I have found, during this journey so far, that though I have been successful at “moving forward” and “choosing joy” the pain of loss still exists. I was watching my oldest daughter Kylie yesterday at the park with my grandson Flynn, and had an overwhelming sense of loss and desperation, tremendous sadness and a little anger. As I watched Flynn struggle to climb up a grassy hill, and stumble back to his bottom, only to get up laughing and try again…..as I watched my oldest daughter laugh and encourage and coax my sweet grandbaby to try again, I was overcome with such pride for her and so much anger at the same time, that Josh could not be sitting here with me, watching our oldest daughter be such an amazing mom. I was so frustrated with the truth that Josh could not experience his grandson, his own flesh and blood, his genetic offspring, that he could not hear him laugh and learn and play. Its maddening that he cannot experience his own first born growing up and becoming such an incredible woman, he cannot tell her how proud of her he is, he cannot wrap her up and tell her what an amazing mom she is…… But……..hahaha there is always a “but” with me……. On the heals of those frustrating feelings and unanswered questions comes the face of my incredible husband, who at 18……yes, that is not a typo, 18 years old, saddled himself to a 27 year old widow who was so badly broken, who had three perfect baby girls, and he said, unwaveringly, “This is everything that I have ever wanted, this is my family”. Ash may have fell in love with that 27 year old widow and married her because of his love for her…..But (ahah theres that word again;)) Ash STAYED because of those three perfect babies. Ash fell in love with the girls from the moment he met them. They became his babies, and he became their Dad.
So…….. This is what I am learning about myself through this blog process. Just because you can “move away” from tragedy, loss, and hurt, that doesn’t mean that the wounds are no longer there. I still have very tender scars. My love for Josh is very real, still today, as real as it was the day that I lost him. I still miss him every single day. I don’t have any answers for why the Lord took him home at 26 years old? But…… those scars that I spoke of represent healing over a very bad wound. Those scars are there because of a crazy kind of love. That love provided the comfort and safety needed for opening up my wounds and scrubbing them out. That love provided a platform for me to be able to sit in an insurmountable amount of grief, without any answers to my “why” questions and look forward to a future of happiness and healing. The most incredible action of love that Ash has ever shown me, was his ability to sit and cry with me over my loss of Josh. Ash never once was jealous of his memory or our marriage. To this day Ash will say that he wishes he could have known Josh. Loss is so great a destroyer, so great a deceiver, so great a detainer, that we can get “stuck” in our grief forever. Loss can cause bitterness and resentment and anger to fester and grow and choke out life. Loss can stunt our growth as maturing adults. Loss can deceive us into believing that no-one could possibly understand what we have gone through, that we are alone in this tragedy. Loss can keep us in that moment of sadness and anger forever. But……Love is greater then loss my friends!!! Love pushes, when loss anchors. Love grows the heart and soul, while loss withers the spirit. I had to learn how to sit and stare into the face of my loss, my grief, anger, resentment, and recognize its weight and truth, and say ok this sucks, but then….. stand up and bid it farewell!
I will never have the answer that will satisfy my question as to why Josh died. I will never stop missing him, or experiencing moments of extreme sadness, however, I will not remain in those moments! I will remember love and what it has given me. Love gave me a partner for life, love gave my daughters a Dad, love gave me the power to move away from my grief, love gave me the ability to stop asking “why”, love set me free from the weight of sadness. Love allowed me to “move forward” and find joy.

Oh boy, this is not how the holidays were supposed to go. Its December 1992, I only graduated from High school a few months ago. How am I going to tell my Mom and Dad? They are going to kill me. I have tried so hard to maintain this “perfect” daughter routine for so long now, this will completely blow my cover. What would they think if they knew I got fired for stealing, what would they do if they knew Josh spent the night at my apartment.. what will they do with THIS? Well they might get over the stealing part, I mean I could lie my way through that one…..I don’t know, tell them I was set up, tell them that my boss just didn’t like me and found a way to get rid of me?? Or better yet I could just say that I was laid off. But this…… I don’t think I can lie my way through a pregnancy, I don’t think my Mom will buy that I got pregnant without having sex. Ugh, I’m in it.
Josh and I aren’t doing very well right now, I suppose both of us are a little out of sorts and completely freaking out about this baby thing. Although I found another note from Josh reassuring me that everything will be ok, he is amazing at making me feel like my life is magic.  

I spoke with him a couple nights ago and said that we had two options… 1. get married, and 2. put the baby up for adoption. Josh told me that we only had one option then. He said there was no way that he could go through a pregnancy with me and then give the baby up. So I suppose we will get married. We have been talking about getting married anyway. Neither one of us can see a future without the other in it. We agreed to tell my folks after the New Year. Josh is going to tell his parents on his own. We love each other so much, I know we are going to have an amazing life, I will have to find another job of course, and Josh will probably have to find a different job and I suppose we will need to find a home…..I just have to get through the “telling my parents” part.

It was November of 1992, 25 years ago, and the worst winter that I can remember in my short 18 years of life. I am living with my sister in Bend at the Carriage Trade apartments. Oh man do I feel grown up and independent. Josh and I have been solidly dating now for 7 months. It is Thanksgiving and both Josh’s parents and my own are out of town. I am so excited, Josh and I get to prepare and eat Thanksgiving dinner together at his parents house. A beautiful home up in the west hills of Bend with sweeping views of Bend and the Cascade Range mountains. I have just finished up my grocery shopping and I am thinking to myself, “ when will these piles of snow melt?” The snow had been pushed to the middle of the roads and piled 8 and 10 feet high is some places around Bend. Getting to and from work has been a nightmare recently. I work at the mall at a clothing store, its ok, a little boring, but I love the customers and the clothes that I periodically hide away in my bag at the end of a shift. I mean what to they care if I take a shirt here and there, I mean I can’t afford to pay for it and the store makes a ton of money…right??? (Ugh the mind of an entitled teenager) I didn’t have to work today because of the holiday, and yesterday was one of the best days that I can remember, I got off work late and it was already dark. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to see Josh until the next day which felt like drowning. As I approach my car I notice something stuck beneath the windshield wiper of my 1984 Subaru wagon. I get closer and begin to smile, I know that paper…its Josh’s sketch pad paper. He would do this periodically, leave notes and sketches on my car while I was at work. Josh was an artist, an amazing artist… and art was not just his passion, it was how he processed. Art was the way he showed you the secret hidden parts of himself, it was how he shared his thoughts and emotions. How he expressed feeling and passion. This note was no different, he had shared his heart and love for me with words and pictures. I couldn’t wait to tell him thank you tonight. I couldn’t wait to just be in the same room with him again. Being with Josh was like air, I seemed to breath easier if I was breathing the air in a room Josh was sitting in. Light seemed to be brighter, smells sweeter, people cooler, funnier, nicer if Josh were around. I couldn’t believe that he was with me, I’m certain that I couldn’t survive if we ever broke up.

 

The temperature outside is bitterly cold and the sky has been gray for so many days now, maybe thats why I haven’t felt like myself lately. I usually have so much energy and lately I can’t seem to stay awake. I shake it off and turn up the road that heads to Josh’s parents house. An entire night with just him, I am so excited that my body is humming and I have butterflies in my stomach, still after 7 months. I pull into the driveway and Josh meets me at the downstairs door, glass of champagne in hand. He must have borrowed this from his parents stash, at 18 we clearly cannot buy alcohol. I giggle and head upstairs with him, glass and bag of groceries in hand. We are so grown up, so mature and so in love. We pretend its our house and all these beautiful things in it belong to us. We create an amazing meal together and talk about our future as we eat. Josh would love to go to art school, I would love to go through a college music program. The thought of being away from each other for even a moment is too much to bear so we decide maybe we won’t go to school, perhaps we will just stay at our current jobs so we never have to be apart……Josh pumping gas and me selling (and stealing) clothes at the local mall. We don’t really hang out with our friends anymore. Friends seem to take us away from each other and being a part is too painful. All we see, think, feel, breath, speak is each other. My parents have warned me about getting “too close”, not spending the night together or being alone for too long. After all they do pay for half of my rent, and I am still only 18 years old. But why am I thinking on all of this tonight?? Tonight its Thanksgiving and I am here in a beautiful house, alone, with the most beautiful person that I have ever laid eyes on and he is intoxicatingly looking at me from across the table, glass in hand……. I am undone, I see no one else, I feel only him, he is my future, to hell with anything or anyone else, I am his forever.
I don’t go home tonight, tonight I stay with him in our pretend house, in our pretend world, believing our pretend life and perfect future.
Tonight I believe that I am an adult……

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Its the night before Thanksgiving and I am sitting in my bed, a little salty to be honest, because my day did not go the way that I wanted it too. I’ve been having a pretty bad attitude most of the day. I wanted to have a day today with Ash and Rian. I have been gone in Hawaii and Ash has been busy working and Rian had a light work load for school today, so I thought today would be a perfect opportunity, before the holiday, to have a day just the three of us. I set an expectation in my head and heart and when it was not met, chose to have a bad attitude. Can you all tell where this is going???
First of all expectations are a real dangerous thing when your expectation is dependent upon another who has no idea about it……. You can create an expectation in your head without the other individual having any idea and when that person fails to live up to your expectation you “write them off” without so much as giving them the advantage of know what the heck just happened. Here let me give you an example: I wake up this morning thinking, silently in my head, “today will be great, Rian has only 2 classes today, Ash is home from work, we can have a fun mellow day going to Ventura, getting Rian a haircut, grabbing some lunch and maybe a movie”, I am already excited about the day the three of us are about to have and neither Ash or Rian have awaken yet. My expectation is set, I am thinking to myself, “ Ash is going to wake up, be in a fantastic mood, have coffee with me on the couch, I am going to tell him about how Rian has an easy school day, about how we are going to go down to Ventura and have a fun day, and he will be so happy and excited………AHAHAHAHA What a fool I am being……This is what really happens: Ash wakes up a little grumpy, he didn’t sleep well and his head feels foggy. He wants to sit and have coffee in silence. I am about 1 1/2 cups of coffee into my morning, wide awake and ready to chit chat…….how many men do any of you know that , “like” to “chit chat” ……… Ok moving on……Ash’s phone starts vibrating, texts are coming in related to the stunt gag he has to do the following Monday. Not only is he not “chit chatting” with me, he isn’t even looking at me and I haven’t even told him about our amazing day plans. I am trying to be patient but time is running out, its about 8:30 now and Rian has just trudged into the living room. Rian needs breakfast because school needs to start at 9:00 so we can be done by 10:00 to start our amazing day!!!! I am starting to get a little upset with Ash, he hasn’t a clue. Ash excuses himself to the garage, lots of equipment to get ready for Monday. I try and be understanding but secretly I’m pretty salty about not having the coffee morning I was expecting. Strike one Ash…….he has no idea….
Its 9:30, I am expecting to be finishing up with Rian soon and beginning my super amazing fun day with Ash and Rian. I am starting to get excited again about the possibility of lunch and Ventura. Ash comes out to our trailer where Rian and I do homeschool and says, “ I need to run to Home Depot to exchange some parts that I have that are wrong, I’m gonna hurry down there so that I can get back soon”. Ugh sucker punch to the expectational gut..and he doesn’t even know it……Strike two Ash….. Ash cannot EVER go to Home Depot and be back “soon”. I start to see my amazing day fade, I start to get really crabby……there is another word that would fit better then crabby, but I am trying to keep this “G” rated. Ash says,”I love you” as he leaves…..I say “bye”….
Fast Forward 2 hours, Rian and I have finished school work, we have watered the garden, started laundry, blown off the patio, its 11:30, surly Ash is on his way home by now. I expect to call Ash and hear, “Hi babe, I am 5 minutes away, can’t wait to pick you guys up and start our fun day in Ventura together”. Instead I hear,” Hey I just got to Home Depot, had to stop at a machine shop to get a part fabricated, super stressed out, I have so much to get together before this commercial on Monday”. Booooooom !!!! Strike three Ash!!! Well my attitude is shot!! I am in full Ice Queen mode! Absolutely no “I love You’s” on the phone, I can barely stand to hear his voice by this time. Ash feels horrible, I can tell, because he can clearly pick up on the fact that his wife is so not happy with him, but this expectational ship has sailed!!! “Thats fine Ash, I’ll just leave now with Rian and we’ll just have a day the two of us, I guess we can try and have a fun day the three of us next week”. Can you hear the contempt, the wife pile of guilt I just heaped on my husbands head???
All because of an unmet expectation. I’m not saying that expecting something is bad, just try to not allow an unmet expectation ruin your attitude. I should have let my husband know of my desires. Maybe the outcome would have been different, but maybe not. You see life is not all about what we want right now, life is not all about us, especially is you have a family. Each individual has their own set of expectations. YIKES!
Today I had a choice to make, was I going to make the best of a situation that did not live up to my expectation? Was I going to talk to myself about why my expectation went unmet and try to understand Ash’s perspective?? Or would I allow that unmet expectation to become the source of tension and bitterness? Well guys…..I chose wrong! I could have chosen understanding, gentleness, and graciousness, instead I chose selfishness, frustration, anger, and contempt.
And that my dear friends is why I sit here in my bed still salty!!! Listen, Life is tough sometimes, being married is tough, raising kids, homeschooling, paying bills, juggling friends, jobs,time……its real life and its tough, but our attitude doesn’t have to be. We have the ability to choose joy and thankfulness, we have the ability to wake up and look at ourselves in the mirror and say, “ today, even though my situation is rough, I am going to choose kindness, I am going to choose forgiveness, tolerance, and grace.” I tell you what when you set that kind of an expectation on yourself and your day….great things happen!!!
Lets all have an amazing Thanksgiving tomorrow, lets all remember that how we behave to those around us is nothing more then a choice!! Lets make the right one together! Happy Happy Thanksgiving my dear friends!! Thank you for joining me on my journey!

I didn’t know if I would ever run into that shaggy haired snowboarder that I encountered up at Mt Bachelor again, but boy I could not shake him from my everyday thoughts. I started referring to him as “hot guy”! hahaha I wanted to talk about him to everyone, I wanted to think about him all the time. I secretly hoped that I would run into him again. Two weeks later, after picking up Gracie, who was 6 at the time, and Lili, who was 3, from school, the three of us headed over to our favorite taco stand for lunch. Kylie was still in school, so we had about 2 hours to kill before we would pick her up. I had just come down from the mountain with Lili, she was only 3 but killing it on her tiny little snowboard. We were starving! I was feeling pretty happy today, the mountain was nicely groomed, the weather crisp, the sky blue and the sun bright! The girls and I were laughing and teasing one another as we were filling up our fountain drinks……clearly I was in a good mood, I was letting the girls drink soda…..hahahah As I am standing with my cup waiting for it to fill while keeping a hand on Lili’s three year old head to ensure she didn’t run off, a man walks up to me and says…..” Hey, were you up at the mountain a couple weeks ago with your daughter……..” he swivels his head around and lands his eyes first on Gracie, who is waiting patiently at our table by the window, then down at Lili (who I have always referred to as “Tiny”, because she was…….and continues….”but not either of these two….a different girl?”
My heart fell out of my chest, it skipped some beats, my mouth dried up, my eyes began to tear and literally the only thing that I uttered was “its you”….. ITS YOU????? How embarrassing!! I pride myself on my ability to articulate my thoughts, on being the person who is always in control, for being the girl who does NOT sound like an idiot and THAT is what I say???UGH!!! Even now as I write it I am embarrassed!! But try to understand….as a mom, who has lost her husband, her partner, her soulmate (I believed) and who now only breaths because of her daughters…….he SAW my girls!!! He SAW the only reason that I got up in the morning! He SAW my whole world in a moment!! He didn’t notice that I was an available girl, or a girl he thought was attractive( well maybe but thats not the point) He noticed that Kylie was not one of the girls that I had with me on that day, he noticed that the two littles with me were not the little I had up at the mountain all those days ago that he had helped with her snowboard! I think that was the moment I fell in love again. I just couldn’t recognize it yet.
He pulled back his lips in a slow smile and chuckled, as I stood there stupefied feeling like a school girl!! I gathered my wits and found my ability to talk and replied, “ haha yes, that was my oldest daughter Kylie”, and I proceeded to introduce him to Gracie and Lili! He joined us at our little round table by the window that looked out onto the parking lot, while we ate our burritos. We talked about who we were and why we had not met before. He listened quietly and patiently while I explained how a 27 year mom of three is by herself and has time to snowboard all day and eat tacos. He explained to me that he had heard my story and that he knew my brother-in-law, through snowboarding. We were surprised when we realized that we knew a lot of the same people and we were both at the same New Years Eve party that year. Again, I picked up on the fact that he was probably younger then me, I mean he knew Josh’s little brother who was 6 1/2 years younger then I was, but he was so confident and secure that I assumed he was older. This guy was so comfortable to be around, so easy to talk to. He was so kind and sweet and comfortable sitting at a table with a mom and two of her little ducklings. We spent about 30 minutes eating and talking and then the girls and I had to go. We said good bye and how great it was to run into him again and got into our cars and drove away. I was buzzing all over, kind of hot and shaky, but nervous and giddy. I remember asking the girls if they liked that guy…….what was his name???? We were about a mile down the road and I realized I never got his name!!! I learned that he was in school to be a welder, that he was an only child raised by a single mom, his parents were never married, I learned that he had just recently moved back from Costa Rica and was living near pilot butte I saw that he drove a red saab and that he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen on a person……and I did not get his name!!!!! Well if thats not “mom brain” I don’t know what it!! hahahaha
It wasn’t for another 2 weeks that I saw him again. Same place, same time, after the mountain ready to eat. But this time I had all three of my littles and this time I had a plan. He wasn’t getting away this time. I had to know who he was, had to know his name, but I also had to maintain complete control. I had to hold all the cards….after all the walls that I had so meticulously erected around my heart had to remain intact, those walls were the only thing holding my heart together, the only thing holding me together. Without my walls I would feel and I couldn’t bear to feel.

Here I am again on the Hawaiian Airlines flight, seat 11B, heading back to LA. I am not used to traveling without Rian, my 10 year old son, and my heart aches from missing him. I miss his chatter and his funny stories about legos and what he want to do when he grows up. I miss how he holds my hand to help me be brave when we fly and reminds me that “God has this plane Mom”……. I miss our favorite game, “would you rather….” and his overly loud voice asking for snacks because his headphones are too loud. I am truly, a blessed Mama to have him as a son and I am so thankful to my husband for giving him to me. My husband, my other half, the reason my heart mended after years of being broken, let me introduce you to him……….
Ash, my knight in shinning armor, or rather he was my knight with shaggy long hair and a tall lanky skater boy body, he was younger then I, I could see that but not by too much I was sure. His sweet demeanor, his gentle nature, and observant character in regards to my girls won me over faster then anything else. He didn’t just see us, he knew us from the day we met him.
It was December of 2001 and Kylie was 8 years old. I picked her up early from school so that she and I could have a Mama daughter day snowboarding. The sun was shining and the pipe at Mt Bachelor had been newly cut.
Trying to find ways to escape our reality was hard and took effort. We were still living in Bend, Oregon, where Josh had died and everywhere we looked we saw him, the school where we took Kylie on her very first day of kindergarten, the grocery store where Josh pretended to faint in the parking lot when we were dating, just to hear me laugh, the gas station he worked at when we met, everywhere was a memory that was attached to Josh, everywhere we saw him…….but didn’t. The mountain was our refuge, it was our safe place, it was the one place we could be free from our circumstances. We skipped a lot of school, Kylie and I, and it was worth it.
We were hiking up the pipe, well, trudging really, feeling short of breath and a little sweaty, even though the air was cold and crisp. The pipe was located about half way up Pine Marten chair lift so you had to catch the chair up, ride mid way down the run to the top of the pipe. Once you reached the bottom of the pipe you would unstrap your board and pack it back up to the top of the pipe to ride again. Ky and I were mid way up the deck of the pipe when Ky drops her snowboard and down the mountain it goes, she turns to me with huge surprised eyes and I say to her, “run……go catch your board”, she whips around and scurries down the mountain in chase of her board while I continue the hike up the pipe to wait for her at the top.
A few minutes go by and I am scanning for Ky when my eyes snag on someone I don’t ever recall seeing. I was up at the mountain almost every single day. Snowboarding was my sanity, it was the only place that I could “see” clearly, it was my exercise and my therapy, so I knew everyone on that hill. This man I had never seen before. I can’t find the words to articulate the place that my mind went after Josh died. I don’t know that I ever will be able to, so, the best analogy that I can give is this…….have you ever been in a complete black-out, but somewhere that is familiar……like your home that you know like the back of your hand. This place is so dark that you cannot see your hand in front of you yet you can navigate yourself through it because its your house, and you know where everything is, so you don’t really have to see to move around……. This is what happened in my mind….I failed to “see” anything anymore. I could function, I could navigate through my daily routines, but I was blind.  I failed to see my daughters…..I would be in the same room with them, making dinner, cleaning the house, tucking them into bed……but I did not SEE them, I was an emotionless shell of a person, my world went dark. I didn’t notice people, I didn’t care about people, I lived in a dark world. Let me say at this moment that those of you reading this blog right now…..if you know me…..you understand how far this is from the person I am today. I LOVE people, I am invested in my children, I pay attention and look for ways to love on and “see” others, especially others that don’t get noticed by most.
My eyes snagged, my heart squeezed and lurched into action and it was like someone pulled that string hanging from the lightbulb in the middle of a black room and my world was flooded with light again after so many months of darkness. I saw him……. not just his physical appearance, the fact that he was so tall and strongly built, or had the biggest most beautiful gentle eyes I had ever seen, perfect teeth, dark skin, dark hair……I could go on and on…..I was not just reacting visually, there was a reaction in my soul….Who was this? And whats more, my daughter, my beautiful 8 year old daughter, who did not talk to anyone, let alone strangers, was walking by his side talking to him as he carried her snowboard up the deck of the pipe. I was terrified,  petrified, and paralyzed. They reached me and this man flashed this half grin at me as he hands Ky back her board. I am stupefied…..I jump up, awkwardly say “thank you”, help Ky strap into her board and frantically ride down the pipe with Ky, down to the bottom of the hill, down to where our car is parked, and go home. I am afraid, I am badly shaken, I am feeling…….I thought I would never feel again.

I have learned throughout the course of my life many truths. Truths about my self… individually and truths about how to navigate through life without becoming bitter or “stuck”. If you can take anything away from this blog, if you can learn anything through my story, please let it be this……. You, are not your circumstances. Do not let your circumstances define you, let them teach you. Let them grow you up.
I found myself a 26 year old widow with 3 fatherless daughters. Those are some rough circumstances. I had every right in that moment to wallow in my circumstances, to sit and slog around in the mud bath of self pity and self loathing. This was not supposed to happen, why does everything bad happen to me, how could anyone ever understand how I feel, no one has ever felt such hurt and loss……… sound familiar?? This is where we often go when we find ourselves in “bad” or “hard” circumstances. We begin to “wallow” because its easier then looking for the lesson. I was a widow at 26 years old. I was a single mom without a career. I did not own a home, I did not own my car, I was pitiful. My circumstance was grim, sad, lonely, desperate, depressing, and pitiful. I did not want to be any of those things! I wanted to rise above my circumstance and become a happy mother of 3 incredible daughters. I wanted to find joy in the midst of deep sorrow. I wanted to be full of light in a dark place and powerful, not pitiful. I made a choice….I chose to not allow my circumstances to define me. Yes, I was in a hard spot, but I did not have to be “stuck” in that hard spot. I had the power to move forward, sometimes at a snails pace, but even still, forward. We have the ability to “just keep swimming” through our tough circumstances. But guys there will be days when you have to wake up and look in the mirror and say to yourself….”I will not let this define me”.

There have been two men in my life that, the moment I saw them, I knew…….. What did I know?? That’s a loaded question with an even longer explanation…… but, both of those men I married!
Remember the “metal head” I mentioned?? Well, let me tell you about the first time I ever visited that “metal head”……Josh…. at his parents home……….

It was in April of 1992 I was wrapping up my career as a high school student and looking forward to my adult future. I had met Josh a few weeks back and after much “psyching” myself up I found my voice and my courage to ask him out…….yes that’s right I asked him!!! Josh was shy and quiet and unless you had anything to do with Iron Maiden, Mega Death, Metallica, windsurfing or his “boys” (Ez and Pete….you know who you are) hahahah , Josh didn’t notice you. So, I had to make him notice me. Well, notice me he did and we began to “hang-out”. We were quite the juxtaposition, Josh and I.  I was the out going, super happy, always smiling, overly confident youngest daughter in a family of four. Who regularly attended youth group and Sunday morning church service.   Josh was the oldest, serious, often broody, mysterious, son of a family of five. We were perfect for each other, or so our baby hearts and brains believed.
I knocked on the door of Josh’s parents house and this tiny, tan, big blond haired, bombshell of a mom answers. I now understand why all of Josh’s guy friends have crushes on his mom. I am graciously invited in and lead downstairs to Josh’s room…….Lair……is a more appropriate word for what I walked into. I first notice that there is a tangible “smoke” filling the air of his bedroom and Josh is laying on his back with his head hanging off the foot of the bed so he is staring at me through upside down icy blue eyes. His long hair is held back by a multicolored bandana that he makes look like the coolest thing a guy could ever wear. One knee is up and Metallica is blaring. Josh is wearing a mysterious half smirk that makes my stomach pinch. I look to the right where the origin of the smoke is coming from to find myself staring directly into the molded face of “Eddie,” the mascot of Iron Maiden with an incense stick hanging from his teeth in a menacing grin. I look to my right and there is a poster of “Eddie” emerging, from what I can only assume to be hell, with a mans bleeding heart clutched in his skeletal grasp, again with the sinister grin. I begin to think to myself……holy cow, what have I gotten myself into this guy might be dangerous? I find myself, in that moment a little bit afraid of Josh and completely infatuated! I feel my cheeks heat and my body hum as his mom smiles and shuts the door on the both of us…… alone in his room.