Wilde Life

I’m sitting on the couch, about halfway through my iced coffee, phone in hand, crushing some serious candies. If you know…you know…hahaha. Rian is on the floor playing with Lego. Before we moved back to Oahu Rian and I tediously took apart every Lego set he had, put them in ziplock bags with the corresponding instruction manual, and packed them away so he could enjoy building them again in our new home.  He is working on a big ‘Chima” set now. Man, this boy loves to build and loves to work with his hands, a skill he picked up from his Dad. I love that about him, so much like Ash.

      I’ve been home for about 2 hours now and feeling more relaxed.  I know God has me and I believe in Ash, I believe that he is trustworthy and honest.  Maybe the way I have been feeling is just hormones? Maybe all the pain and anxiety I was feeling in D.R. was nothing more than physical warnings of age? I mean I could be going through “the change”. I’m young to be experiencing symptoms, but not uncommon when your mom was young as well.  

     The snake in my belly is quiet, coiled, cold, but at least still, allowing me moments of ignorance. I love my life, I love our home and this island. I love our community and how well we are loved. I think of our life here and raising our son and daughters here and the opportunities that have been afforded them because of our life.  God has been so good to us, blessing our family and finances.  Which is why I struggle so much with this disquieting anxiety.  I shake my head, “Stop it Ivy, don’t borrow trouble”.  My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Ash’s truck backing into our driveway.  He drives a big Ford F250 Diesel long bed…..his “dream truck” he calls it, I call it “King”.  I name all of our cars….don’t know why…just do. “King” is fitting, it’s big, powerful, and in control like the man who drives it. Odd that he is home now, in the middle of the day.  He has been working on the east side of the island this week.  A ranch that is often used as a backdrop for movies.  Usually, he is gone for 10 hours each day….odd it’s only 3 pm. I am smiling, I love it when he is home, everything feels right and safe.  He still makes me giddy.  I look up just as he trips through the door….clumsy and desperate, something is wrong, he is crying and can hardly stand upright. What is going on?  ‘Ivy, I need to talk to you, please come upstairs, I need to talk to you.” The words inarticulately fall out of him, he sounds despondent …….warning bells start to clang sharp and shrill…….“Ash, what is going on?  Are you ok? What happened?” I am beginning to panic, my heart has started to hammer against my ribcage. A slow tremor is starting throughout my body. The snake that was docile moments ago begins to coil and tighten, threatening and sinister. I don’t know if I am cold or hot and the screaming is back so loud I can’t focus.  “Oh God did he drop someone at work today?  Did one of his rigs fail…..did someone die?” These thoughts race through my mind searching for something tragic enough to warrant Ash’s state of distress.  I can’t get up the stairs fast enough but my legs are refusing to move due to the violent tremble that has taken ownership of my extremities. I am behind Ash watching him stumble and trip up the stairs, his legs don’t seem to be working either.  Lord God, what happened? Help us, Jesus.  Ash crawls on the floor over to the edge of our bed, unable to stand up, sobbing and tripping over his words.  I round the corner of our room and shut the door, eyes riveted on him desperate and terrified to hear what he is about to say.  There is a moment when everything goes still and silent, the tremble subsides, the screaming is muted, and my soul is open. The snake is a cold hard knot in the pit of my stomach.  I am quiet in my spirit, heartbreaking for this man that I love so much who is cracking open on the floor in front of me.  I start to move toward him, I want to comfort him, hold him, and tell him everything will be ok…..it always is because we have each other.  I start to move toward him when he begins to speak……. the snake coiled in my belly strikes, swift and sharp, poisonous and deadly with the accuracy of a trained marksman……….” I cheated on you Ivy.”  

  I feel a hurricane coming but I cannot see it, a storm that shatters windows and lifts foundations, I can feel it coming, hear the loud cry of the wind and I have no idea from which direction it is bearing down.  “Lord, help me…..today….. I trust you, this needs to end today!  I cannot live with this dangerous disquiet another day.” “I promise Lord if I don’t find anything today, if he doesn’t tell me anything today, If anyone doesn’t tell me something today, by the time the sun goes down…..I’ll take myself to a psych doctor.”

     As I drive up Snake Road I am reminded of a song my Mom wrote when I was a young girl, a song I used to sing with her when she taught me to sing in harmony. “Tear this house down Lord, but tear it down gently, board by board, pane by pane…… Tear this house down Lord, tear it down gently and with the right hand of your righteousness build it up again………”. I feel like I am about to be “torn” down and it doesn’t feel gentle.  Last month when we were in the Dominican Republic the promises of God were everywhere. 

Every morning I would walk the beach with Rian, heartbreaking, not sure why, and crying out to the Lord, “What is going on?” “ God, where are you? Are you in this? Why do I feel this way, unsettled, scared, invisible, alone?” I would pray this out loud as Rian and I would walk and ask God to “give us a shell” as tangible trust and He never failed….not once…. We had buckets of beautiful, unbroken shells…… buckets of beautiful reminders that God sees us, hears us, and is with us! Upon arriving back home on island I thought my spirit would quiet and find peace, but peace is elusive, and quiet has become a cacophony of self-doubt and anxiety.  “ Oh Father God, this must end today, I cannot live feeling like something is dying……I trust you.”

         I’m driving to the library in Kapolei, I am doing something very out of character for me….. I am going on a “deep dive” on a computer that is not traceable back to me. Something beyond myself is pushing for truth, driving me forward with clarity and tenacity, but I don’t know why or what I am “looking” for.  I know of nothing false so how will I even recognize “truth” if I am blind to the “lie”? I found some “interesting” texts on my husband’s iPad while in D.R.,  I called one of my best friends who knows and loves us both, I am in a panic and free falling……….“ NO way Ivy, not your husband, he would never do anything to hurt you or harm your marriage, he loves you madly, don’t even entertain these thoughts.”  My friend said these things with such fervor, passion, and conviction that I turned off the iPad and didn’t give it another thought……….Maybe that’s what I am trying to find today……?  What did those texts mean, if anything? Could something be going on or have I completely lost my sanity? Maybe I am here to prove myself wrong, prove to myself that I am no longer capable of trusting my “gut” and I am silently searching for nothing……… As I pull into the library parking lot I start to think about past conversations I would try to have with Ash.     Many times throughout our marriage when things would feel “off”,  I have approached my husband, asking, “ Is there anything you need to tell me? Is there anything you are struggling with?”. I would ask and sometimes the reply would be a simple “no”, other times he would get defensive and question my insecurity, he would say, “What happened to the woman I married? She was secure, when did you become so insecure? I have never given you a reason not to trust me.”  He would say this and instantly I would feel convicted and remorseful for my lack of trust and belief in my husband’s character.  I knew he was a good man, loving and compassionate, slow to anger and patient.  But lately so distant and withdrawn quiet and defensive.  “Oh God, let him feel your joy that comes in the morning, let him rejoice in the countless blessings in his life, God cover and protect him, draw him to you, and free him from whatever is binding him…..if anything….”.

      I am not very computer savvy, nor do I want to find out anything undesirable about my husband. What am I doing here? This isn’t me….I trust him…..I trust him completely, get out of here Ivy…….go home…….!  I sign out of the library computer frustrated and I walk to my car.  What is wrong with me, why can’t I silence this screaming in my soul?  Where is my peace?  This man has been my Superman for years, never giving me a reason to doubt or “check-up” on him. I think I am just feeling insecure and tired.  He loves me, he loves our kids, and he would never do anything to hurt us.  I shove my phone into my bag and fish out my car key.  It’s hot today and the leather is burning my legs as I sit in the parking lot too confused and angry at myself to drive home. I rest my head on my steering wheel. “Man, Ivy, you drove your stupid, insecure self 30 miles from your home to sit here sweating in the car and doubting the man who put your heart back together after Josh died”?.  I lift my head, squint into the unrelenting sunshine, blast the a/c, and turn my car toward the freeway.  As I merge onto the freeway toward home I start reminding myself of all the times Ash has promised to love me forever, all the times he has assured me that it’s him and I against the world, all the times he has protected our family.  What’s wrong with me….? Why is my soul screaming?…..This is Ash…….He would never hurt our family, he would never hurt me…….Help me, Lord……..I trust you…. This must end today! Silence the snake……

One of us has lost our mind and I don’t think it’s me…..When did I lose the ability to trust my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and intuition?  I swear if I don’t find anything out today….If I don’t find anything, hear anything, if he doesn’t tell me anything before the sun goes down, I am checking myself into a hospital because my brain has cracked.

It’s gotten so loud, the shouting in my head, nondescript words, and indescribable darkness that makes me feel insane. My husband loves me madly and tells me that I shouldn’t be so insecure because he has never given me a reason not to trust him.  He showers me with love and affection, tells me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and promises to love me forever….. It’s getting louder….the noise threatens to deafen me, I am shaking and anxious, my throat knotted tight and hot with emotion that fights to be released.  I grip the steering wheel and continue up the hill. I am praying out loud as I fight for clarity…sanity….truth

      Something is off……one of us is off…… 

  I have been living for years with this unsettled feeling, A deadly coiled snake in the pit of my stomach, sometimes quiet and sleeping, I can almost forget it is there, but I always feel the weight of it…… heavy, cold, and deadly…..it has no name, I don’t know the reason it is there and recently its become restless writhing and biting, burning and hissing dangerously.  I can’t get away from it.  I am silently fighting to quiet the beast, telling myself it’s all in my head…. My thoughts race, my body hums with anxiety, and I am unsteady and lethargic. I lack inspiration and creativity, I am desperate to have something of my own so that I don’t feel so dependent and isolated, something that distracts me, something to help me ignore the coiled nightmare.

      A couple of years ago I got hired by “United” as a flight attendant, oh I was so excited, the thought of having something that was mine and mine alone, another color to add to the pallet of my identity, something other than “wife” and “mom”.  With my husband’s work schedule and the frequency we find ourselves on a plane, what job could be better?   The first 6 months would be brutal, 6 weeks of training in Chicago, followed by 6 months of probation, but then…..freedom…… freedom to choose my own schedule, freedom to travel without expense, freedom to join Ash on every location.  When I ran it by him he was concerned, his response….,” You can take that job unless it interferes with you and Rian coming on location with me”.   My idea of flitting around the US and getting paid for it came to a disastrous crash landing,  My priority has always been my husband and my children, so willingly I didn’t take the job. 

     Fast forward 2 years, it’s 2021 we are back in Hawaii, back with our beloved community, back where everything is familiar and solid, secure and safe…….so why don’t I feel safe?  What is wrong with me?  Am I losing my mind…..?

Forgiveness is an ongoing daily decision one makes for oneself…….not for someone else.  Forgiveness releases your heart from the grip of bitterness, resentment, pain and sorrow, betrayal and paralysis.  Forgiveness provides the freedom to love again and find joy in every circumstance and new joy every morning.  Forgiveness is freedom.  But this doesn’t make forgiveness easy…….

     I wrote the “letter” I posted in the previous blog about a year ago,  I was raw and exposed. I had been betrayed and abandoned with no explanation…just silence.  My son was struggling and confused….what do you do with that….with something that makes no logical sense and you are not allowed to process the information, not allowed to communicate?  

   I suppose the most normal reaction is anger, hatred, bitterness…..etc But those emotions don’t “heal”, they don’t provide salve to the open burning wound, they only circumvent the wound…. tippy-toeing around it, trying to pretend it doesn’t exist, trying to pretend that we aren’t left radically exposed and vulnerable.  Bitterness and anger tell us that we are unlovable, and unworthy of concern….because if we were, the person who wounded us, never would have done the things they did.  Bitterness and anger focus our lens on what “they did to us”, how “they hurt us”, how unfair our situation is….etc,  Who wants to live there…. and who can live there for any length of time and not have it affect you negatively?

  Let me let you in on a little secret…..;)  It has nothing to do with you……. Ok now I’m going to sound SUPER cliche…hahaha bear with me…..” hurt people, hurt people”….. (insert mind blowing emoji) hahaha…..right!  

    If you are amid betrayal right now, if you have been mistreated and abandoned, if your heart is breaking and you cannot see a way out of your pain….know this…….I feel your pain…I am acquainted with heartbreak more than I ever thought I would be, and I have found that the love of God can heal ANY break no matter how many millions of pieces your heart is in…..God feels your pain He is acquainted with your pain and He gives you the ability to endure the pain……but the first steps to healing are up to YOU….not the responsibility of the one who wounded you……

    Let them go……Let God in……

I have learned that what happened to me, didn’t have anything to do with me….Don’t misunderstand me here…..in every marriage, there are little breaks, misunderstandings, and differences, that if left unattended, can turn into chasms……. I had my shortcomings in my marriage for sure….I am not without failures…… however…being lied to by the person who promises to be “one” with you, being betrayed by the person who vowed to love only you, being broken by the person who promises to protect you……those things had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the choices my husband made…..  

    When I was able to understand this, I was able to begin to heal, because it was no longer about me……. Unfortunately, my family was collateral damage to someone else’s choices……the spitfire of shrapnel flying off the bomb of broken trust and morality hit hard and fast and was deadly to both my son and myself…….BUT GOD.    Oh sweet merciful Jesus who comes to comfort and create something new….what a God we have access to…..God empowers us to forgive so that WE can begin to heal, forgive so that WE can begin to love again and forgive so that WE are free.  I may never know the reasons why my husband chose what he did, why he couldn’t be honest and talk to me, why he just walked away and never looked back……and I am beginning to be ok with the reality of never having answers…….

    The man I married 18 years ago was a sweet, sensitive, hardworking, wonderful man…but he was also broken, and when brokenness goes unattended it leads to disastrous outcomes……some people hurt themselves in their brokenness….some people hurt others…….   Brokenness must be addressed and “dressed” by the All Mighty Physicians’ hands.

        I will always love my husband in a special way, reserved only for him.  I can love the man he was and be so grateful to him for the son we had together and the years he protected my daughters and me……. But that’s where I leave it……in the past, in the place of “something that once was”……. I try not to carry it into the present or the future.

Forgiveness allows me to daily lay the pain and hurt down and let it go….see my marriage for what it WAS, not for what it IS today. Forgiveness is a choice I have to make every day, sometimes multiple times a day….but it’s up to me, and who I choose to be each day.

Every day is a choice…..who will you “choose” to be? I choose joy, I choose new beginnings, I choose healing and my family, freedom, and possibilities, I choose Jesus and I choose forgiveness ………….

Jeremiah 29: 11 says, “I KNOW the plans I have for you….” “I know…”  indicates knowledge, assuredness, an assumption that someone has a plan for you other than the plan you have for yourself.  Someone has knowledge of your future.

    I have been watching a lot of Social Media speakers on relationships, each one with their own perspective and knowledge pertaining to a certain issue….infidelity, narcissism, divorce, singleness, how to be a boss, how not to be a “pushover”, how to “get your man back”, how to heal, how to move on, etc……the list goes on and on and on…. Each speaker speaks truth and knowledge based on their education or experience.  Each one gives an absolute, “truth” that cannot be changed….like the saying “once a cheater always a cheater”……. Or “a narcissist is only able to love themselves, or “if she has emotionally detached from you she is never coming back”….I am fascinated with all these blanket statements..” absolutes”… all these opinions and all the millions and millions of viewers that absorb them as fact. I would probably even say that a few years ago I might’ve thrown my hat in the ring….shared my own opinion…shared my “truth”…..

Many of you know parts of my story, and maybe some of you know all my story, but I think its safe to say that any of you who have read my blog can say with conviction that I am a believer in Jesus Christ and live to pattern my life after HIm and what God has designed for my life, so……. In light of what the Bible says Jeremiah 29:11 and myriad stories on the redemption of men from the very pit of hell……. David, Saul to Paul, the “centurion” the thief on the cross…etc……. 

     How can we possibly make blanket statements about other people, pass judgment according to what they have done, and write them off as now being “too far gone” and still say “nothing is impossible with God”? Those two statements……” a narcissist will only ever love himself”….and “nothing is impossible with God” are in direct contradiction to one another…..If nothing is impossible with God, doesn’t it stand to reason that God can change the Narcissist’s behaviors allowing him to love someone other than himself?   Do we believe that God is who He says He is or not?  Can He not make a blind man since birth, see,  or a man born lame, walk?  Can God not redeem an adulterer…….. David…….and make Him the very ancestor of Jesus Christ…not only redeem David and establish his thrown as King over a nation but give him a title that God only gave to one man in the entirety of HIs word…..” a man after God’s own heart?….

        Who are we to assume what God can and cannot do…..for goodness sake God spoke through a DONKEY!!! 

    Friends, I am talking right now to the believers who call themselves “Christians”….. what is wrong with us that we assume ANYTHING before our God?  We should be ashamed of ourselves for ever doubting ANYTHING less than the impossible with God.  What has happened to our faith?  Where have we lost our ability to trust…..can we call ourselves “followers of Jesus” if we cannot even stand in the midst of a trial and KNOW that it is for our good and God’s glory….KNOW that God is capable of healing, capable of redeeming, capable of changing someone into someone new?   

      I believe God will show up in our lives according to the access that we give HIm, according to the time that we devote to Him, and according to the surrender we allow Him.   How much time is yours, and how much of your time is the Lord’s?…… Why do we keep asking why the Lord doesn’t answer our prayers when we don’t even devote the time to Him to be still, listen, and obey? We don’t devote the time to pray, not just one and done, pray……on your face before the Lord believing in His timing and continually praying it through to fruition.    If you give God 10% of your life, heart, and soul, God will explode in that 10% because that’s who God the Father is and it’s what you gave Him.  Imagine what that loving Father would do if you gave Him 100% of your heart and soul.  God wants our everything so that He can give us everything…The catch…  He won’t “take” what He wants…He waits for it……. To be given!

    We hold on to our lives as if we have some semblance of control, too proud and too afraid to surrender to the only One who ‘knows” our future because stupidly we actually believe that we are in control, and we know best…….So, we give a Perfect, Holy God 10% of our lives and wonder why we feel “stuck”, unhappy, unfulfilled, anxious, desperate, depressed, alone, and believing what social media tells us, leaving our decision making up to the “opinions” of the “speakers” on media platforms.  Believing them as “truth”.  Why don’t you take your broken dreams, broken relationships, broken hearts, and broken spirits, to the only one who can ACTUALLY do something about them, ACTUALLY speak the truth, and ACTUALLY blow your mind by making what the world says is impossible……….possible!  

1Corinthians 2:9

“What no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no human heart has conceived- God has prepared these things for those who love Him.”

Jeremiah 29:11-14

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity…..”

I haven’t written in a long time…….honestly, I haven’t known what to share.  My life feels like it is in shambles right now.  I am existing in the darkness of the “already” and the “not yet”.  Part of me wants to blast Ash right now, share with you all of the ways that he has torn at my heart, my security, my future, my confidence……but to what end?  Would my words of complaint, sorrow, pain, and confusion, change anything??    Would blaming another broken human for my brokenness heal my wounds, or justify poor choices, would it bring about peace and restoration, healing and comfort?  

I chose to follow the Lord when I was about 26 following the death of my first husband, Josh.  Losing Josh threw me into a pit of suffocating darkness, tangible loneliness, and anxiety that was debilitating.  I no longer could see my future, let alone see the end of each day.  I cried myself to sleep every night for almost a year, my skin on fire in desperation to be able to feel him again.  My world shrank, my lens was focused only on my daughters and how to get to the next day……and I failed.  It was amid my worst failure as a parent, daughter, friend, and sister……that I gave up…….I gave up……. How could I recover?  How could I move on? I cried out with tears and swear words to the only One that had the power, not only to save me…..but to change me…. 

I thought that when I began this blog I was going to share with you all a beautiful love story of Ash and I…….of how the power of Love can overcome any obstacle, any circumstances, any heartbreak……. But I think the Lord has other plans for this blog……… It is still going to be a beautiful love story…..of that I have no doubt……….but I am learning that the love from my Heavenly Father is greater than any other love.  It’s a love that can heal a broken heart, a love that can establish your true identity, a love that can give you a beautiful future……..love that can quiet your mind and ease your pain, fill you with hope, and give rest to your soul, a love that NEVER gives up, NEVER let’s go, NEVER leaves you lonely………The love story that I am supposed to be sharing isn’t about two messed-up individuals that found each other and “overcame any obstacle”……no, I believe the real love story is about Our Heavenly Father, and how much He loves us…..intimately and tangibly……..how much His heart desires to see us happy and “found” in Him!  

So I am going to “pivot”……… This may not be what you guys want to read…… you may not want to hear about all this “God” stuff….. You may not believe in “God” at all…..but guys I am going to be as honest with you as I can…… I am going to share my heart and the truth about it being in pieces ……. Again……. And the truth is that I know my God has all those broken pieces in the palm of His hand….. I don’t know why I am here in this pit again……wading around in the darkness and uncertainty….but I know my God sits in it with me….. I know my future is fixed and I know it’s going to be good………. I know this because the “fixer of my future” is good.

Until next time……… know this……You are NOT alone and You are Loved……