For those of you who are just now beginning this story, or for those of you that have followed along with my sporadic musings, I encourage you to go back and read posts #6 Wilde Love and #7 Part 2.. I have a tendency to flit around as I write, weaving things together over time and space in a haphazard fashion. I know that it’s not the best writing technique nor is it easy on you, the reader. I am continuing the story of Ash and I……
What do I do now? I know that he is young, I’m not sure how young but young none the less. He has old eyes though, and an old soul, as if he has lived experiences that others older than he have not yet had. I think I will invite him to dinner.
The girls and I have just recently moved into a new condo. We have lived here about 3 months now and we love it. My life is still pretty lonely. I have destroyed those trusting, healthy relationships by my actions and selfishness. I am trying to right this wonky ship and being alone is part of it. Being across the street from a church was no accident either! Our condo is brand new, bright and light, with high ceilings and all new, upgraded appliances. It is by far the nicest house the girls and I have ever lived in and each girl gets her own room. The other upside to this place is that we are only minutes from the mountain and the girls school. Our neighborhood is safe and clean……I’m trying to make that a consistent theme throughout my life right now. I have been “straight”, meaning no drugs now, for a few months and I am feeling stronger and more in control.
I dial his number and I feel butterflies in my stomach, will he know who I am? I got his number from a mutual friend, I’m not even sure he will know my name. The phone rings a couple of times before I hear low and slow drawl of his already familiar voice, “Hello?”…. THUD! My stomach hits the bottom of my rib cage and my heart sets to beating as if I have just finished a 100 meter sprint. “Pull it together Ivy”, I silently chide myself. “Hey, this is Ivy, I don’t know if you rem…..”, I am cut off by a slow chuckle “I remember you”, He says this with a smile on his face, I can hear it in the way he is speaking and it gives me the confidence to continue. “Random question, I was wondering if you wanted to join my daughters and I tonight for dinner, here at my house?” I am secretly thinking to myself, “what young, 20 something guy wants to have dinner with a widow and her 3 young daughters? Why am I even doing this? “I’d love to, what time”, his answer interrupts my thoughts and I am startled and suddenly giddy. “How ‘bout 6”, I casually say though my mouth has gone dry and the stupid grin on my face fails to dissipate. “Great, what can I bring’? He asks calmly. “Not a thing, I got it, see you in a couple of hours.” I hang up and I am suddenly so nervous. What am I getting into? My mind tells me to calm down, this is just a young guy, I have the upper hand, I control this situation, I can walk away when ever I want to. This guy is nothing but a good-looking distraction from life and I could use a good distraction. My heart, on the other hand, is singing a different tune. “Be careful Ivy”, my heart warns, “this one is different”.
Hours go by and I have dinner prepared, the music is on and the girls are bouncing around the living room to the beat of the music. Kylie is meticulously working on her gymnastic techniques….back bends, splits, cartwheels….etc. There is a knock at the door and I rush over to answer it. I open the door and again am hit with the reality of how incredibly beautiful this man is. I feel my face split into an involuntary grin and try to sound as relaxed as possible as I invite him in. “Hi there”, I say as smoothly and seductively as I can, “Glad you made it, come on in.” Ash smiles a slow intoxicating smile that sets my heart on fire as he moves past me through the open door all the while maintaining eye contact. Oh boy, I am in for it. He spots the girls and his demeanor immediately changes. The seduction that I just saw in his eyes has been replaced by a childlike humor and joy as he introduces himself to the girls again. He reminds them of their first encounter. The girls momentary stillness caused from his walking in the room is quickly replaced with jabbering and dancing. I turn away from the commotion to check on dinner and to draw my first real breath since the knock on the door. I turn back around to announce that dinner is almost ready and am met with the bent over figure of a 6ft 3in man doing his best to display his best back bend . I start laughing at his antics, which quickly turns to the desire to cry as I noticed the look on Kylies face as she watches him. She is laughing and giggling and she is smiling. He has captured her attention by capturing her heart. Ash saw Kylie! He didn’t just see 7-year-old girl who he has to be around in order to be around the mom. He saw her, noticed what she was doing, noticed what was important to her, and engaged with her in an arena that was safe for her to feel comfortable with him in.
As the night progressed Ash was jumped on, hung on, talked to incessantly about dolls, pigs, gymnastics, snowboarding, snacks, you name it, the girls wanted to talk to him about it. After dinner the music was back on and conversation continued. I got up to clean the kitchen while the girls peppered Ash with all kinds of questions. I noticed the song on the radio and turned it up. Dance parties have always been a big deal in our house! We love music and we all love to dance. “Baby Got Back” is one of our favorite, booty shaken, songs the girls and I dance to. I laugh out loud when the girls jump up and join me in the kitchen for some “booty shaken”. I look over the tops of the girls heads and say to Ash “hahah, I remember dancing to this at my high school grad dance”. Ash smirks and under his breath says “yeah, I danced to this in like the 3rd grade.” Uh Uh Uh whaaaat?? I am not sure I heard him right and I am making quick work of the math in my head. Oh no what have I gotten myself into? I knew he was young but this was next level. Anxiously I ask him “How old are you?”……… I am holding my breath, I am hoping I heard wrong. Ash is smiling with his eyes and swivels his head slowly to make eye contact, “18”, he says with a slow smile. AAAAAAAAHHHH My inner voice is screaming at me! Holy crap what are you doing Ivy, he is a kid. But that doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t act like a kid or talk like a kid, he doesn’t move or annoy like a kid. HELL he surely doesn’t flirt like a kid! I am devastated. I cannot feel this way about a boy. I am a 27-year-old widow with three daughters. “End this now Ivy”, my inner voice is commanding. “Say goodnight and show him to the door Ivy”. But I can’t listen, I can’t obey, I am already falling for him, I can already feel my heart attaching to his, I can see how much the girls like him, I can feel how much I like him. So I crack some stupid joke and shake my head and I say out loud, “Well this is gonna be fun”. I try to make Ash believe that this is only going to be a fling, I try to make myself believe that he will be a short-lived romance. I try to ignore the truth that when you know…….you know. I am drawn to him the way a mother is drawn to her crying child, I cannot explain it, I cannot control it and I aim powerless to stop it.