I am writing from a leather cigar chair, in a very distinguished feeling apartment in the heart of the city, in a neighborhood of Atlanta Georgia called “Poncey Highlands. Life has been quite busy and I haven’t had any success finding quiet moments to write, but here I find myself with a quiet morning, a sleeping child, a strong cup of hot coffee and the propulsion to write. We are on location again, in the middle of summer in beautiful “Hotlanta”.
After Kauai we had about three weeks at home. We cut our grass…..it was looking like a jungle when we got home, we built a horse corral (when I say “we” I really mean Ash;)), we finished our perimeter fence……and just in time to enjoy it all, we were on the road again. Ash flew out on July 9th, Rian and I left in Ash’s big Ford F250 diesel truck (oh yes we drove), per his request, and made the long long drive to Atlanta. We arrived here about 5 days ago on the evening of Ash’s 35th birthday. That is not a typo……..hahah for those of you that do not know already, my sweet husband is about 9 years younger than me.
I decided the next morning, the morning after I wanted to “throw in the towel”, the morning after my daughters reminded me that I still had purpose in this world, that I needed to get serious about “change”. I needed to make some extreme life changes, if I wanted to be someone who my daughters could look up to. I needed to change my outlook, change the habits that I had allowed myself to form, change my attitude toward each day that I awoke. Life was a gift and I was squandering it. I was living in a space of self loathing and self-pity, selfishness and bitterness, sadness and lethargy.
I found myself alone most of the time, without healthy relationships, and quite lonely. I had lied so many times to my life long friends and family, that I had destroyed the trust that we once had. The relationships that I needed were the relationships that my choices had destroyed. I had lied so many times to my family and close friends that I could not be trusted. I had to find “Ivy” again. The Ivy that was happy and spontaneous, the Ivy that saw the good in everything, the Ivy that was kind to everybody. The Ivy that I had become was self-serving and cruel, she was a liar and a drug user, and I had an excuse for all of my actions. My excuse was “poor me”.
Listen, I believe someone out there needs to read this………. I understand how pain and sadness can drive a person to poor choices, I understand this because I lived it……. I also understand that ANYONE is capable of making horrible choices. The biggest dissolution that we can have as adults is thinking “Oh, I would never do that”…….. fill in the blank. Or looking at another person and judging their behavior as “something I would NEVER do”, and then elevating your own status above theirs because of the belief that you could NEVER do what THEY had/have done. Guys ALL of us are capable of horrific, ugly, malicious, dark, debauchery. 1 Corinthians 10:12 (that’s in the Bible;)) says this “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” This means that none of us is without the capability to blow it big time! Especially at that moment when we are sitting atop our own “high horse” Think about that the next time you encounter someone who you are “disappointed” with. Maybe think about the road that they have walked to get them down their current road, and extend them some grace, maybe some kindness, and definitely some prayer.
Please, don’t misunderstand me, sometimes we also need to experience some “tough love” to shake us into correction. I needed this. I deserved my alienation, I needed to be isolated, because within my isolation I was able to hear the quiet voice of God calling me out of the life that I had allowed myself to live in. I needed to come face to face with the consequences that my actions had created.
I moved back to the Westside of Bend, the side of town that Josh and I had lived our entire married life together, the side of town that had the memories of Josh and I everywhere. I was living closer to Kylie’s school and found a preschool for Gracie and Lili. I also bought myself a season pass to Mt Bachelor and snowboarding became my new drug. I found solace at the mountain. I didn’t feel my “aloneness” up there. I awoke every morning, got Kylie to school, and headed to the mountain. Sometimes Grace and Lili were with me and went to the Bachelor daycare center while I rode, other days they went to preschool. The exercise made me not only physically stronger, but mentally stronger as well. My frustration and anger, my sadness and bitterness, all my confusion and anxiety got worked out as I beat myself up riding. I began to see glimpses of myself again, maybe I could survive without Josh, maybe I could have a life that was worth living even though it was not going to be the picture that I had created for myself. Maybe I could let the Lord lead and begin again to enjoy the ride.