#29 Wilde Reality

Hello again from abroad…… I have found myself quiet and alone and with some time to write and reflect. Its been a pretty crazy past year without extra time to devote to remembering my past. I prefer looking ahead to the future, not glancing back at the past. However, the past is responsible for who I am today and who I will become in the future. The past can be a powerful tool, shaping us, sharpening us, preparing us, for what is to come. The dark side of the past is that it can also be an anchor of bitterness, keeping us from rising to meet our potential, or a belt of resentment, binding us to a “victim” mentality. We have the great opportunity to decide what we will do with our past……will we allow it to teach us, or will we let it trap us?

The reality of struggling through an 8 year marriage with someone that I completely had lost myself in, someone that I thought I would never be able to live without, and then to lose him so tragically, that reality, shaped who I was with Ash. That reality hardened my heart and erected walls to protect all of the broken pieces. I was safely hiding behind these massive walls of hurt, distrust, insecurity, and anger, when I met Ash. My walls, my level of distrust, my anger and unresolved bitterness is the very thing that caused Ash to leave me again, this time for good, this time far away. Losing Josh was hard, butI could blame his leaving on death. Losing Ash cracked me open in a way I had never been broken because the cause of Ash leaving wasn’t death…….it was me.