Wilde Love 5

He is gone…….we got into a fight over something stupid and he disappeared.  HIs phone is off and I am going crazy.  I am trying not to feel out of control, but I cannot shut my brain down.  I upset him with expectations. Of course everything should be my way, I am the mother, I am the widow, I am the older one.  I hate it when he tries to act older than he is, why is he trying to give me advice about anything?  As if he knows anything about loss or pain.  As if he knows about anything at all.  Ash is so young how can he even know himself, let alone me.  Yes, I was harsh with him, maybe unkind and cold.   Ash is always calm and nonreactive, he is so sure of himself as if he knows exactly who he is, he acts as if he knows exactly what he wants in life and he hasn’t even really lived yet.

Where did he go, who is he with, how could he leave…me?  So much for holding all the cards, so much for being the first one to leave.  I let myself get angry and it feels good.  Anger is a much safer feeling then confusion or hurt.  Who cares about Ash, I certainly don’t.  It was never going to go anywhere anyway.  I grab my gear and head to the mountain.

Its been three days and still no word from Ash, his phone is not ringing, it must be turned off.   The last thing I said to him before he disappeared was “I hope you don’t actually think this is going anywhere”.   I want to believe that I meant those words, I am trying to convince myself that I believe those words.  The girls are asking if Ash is going to come over and hang out with us.  I have nothing to say to them, I have no idea if I will see him again.  Its frustrating not being able to yell at him for bailing or at least having the opportunity to hang up on him when he calls.  I want to say something mean and hurtful, I want to make him feel pain, I want him to know what he won’t have anymore.  I just wish that I had the opportunity to tell him it’s over.

My phone is ringing…….its Ash.   My stomach knots instantly and I have to remind myself to be angry.  “Hello?”, I say, like ice.  “Hey Ivy”, Ash drawls in his slow smooth way of speaking. “Where have you been?”, I fire this off before I even think! I cannot believe I’ve just said those words….uuuuuuggghh now he knows I’ve noticed his absence. Now he knows that I care.  I should have said “who’s this?”, or “Hey Ash whats up”, any thing else would have been better, but I cannot think, cannons are going off in my head, my mouth is suddenly dry, I am hot and antsy, angry and rigid,  but still, I feel as if I want to cry because I am so happy just to hear his voice.  “I went to visit my god-parents down south”, he speaks with no angst, does he even know how angry I am?  “I needed some space to think and figure out what I want”. I am furious, it’s costing me every ounce of self-control to not huck my phone across the room, my knuckles are white, I hate how this kid affects me.  I hate that the sound of his voice renders me stupid. “What the hell is that supposed to mean Ash”, my voice is cold and shrill, I am telling myself to “shut-off” stop emoting,  get ahold of myself, do not allow him to know that he can affect me.  Play this game better than him, after all I’ve been at it longer.  My brain makes the switch, I actively start to calm down, I refuse to feel, I refuse to care. I just want to hang up.  He’s talking again, “It means that I have never felt this way about anyone before in my life Ivy, and it’s not simple, you have three daughters and I have to know what I am doing before this goes any farther.”  He talks so slow it feels like forever for him to continue, I am holding my breath. “I am sorry that I didn’t tell you where I was going, I am sorry that I didn’t call, I just needed space to think, and I knew that I couldn’t do that if I was anywhere near you.”  He pauses, and I am already thinking of my rebuttal, my shots to fire back at him to wound. I take a breath and am about to speak when Ash starts to speak again.  “You scare me Ivy, you are powerful and beautiful and smart, I lose myself when I am with you.  I had to know how I was feeling.”  I am stunned, and I am starting to get warm all over, he is so honest and vulnerable with his feelings, he is not playing any games, this is foreign to me, I am left speechless.  “Can I come over and see you and the girls?”  His question catches me off guard, “I’d like to talk with you.” He says, and I quickly, without thinking say, “Of course”. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid, he is on his way over and my nerves are stretched taut.  I am flying around my apartment in a fit.  I am so excited to see him and so mad at myself for giving in so easily.  There is a knock on my door and I almost trip over my own feet. I am fumbling down the hall on legs that are refusing to function.  Everything feels like jello, my insides are buzzing and have no structure. Just before I open the door, I school my face to reflect utter apathy.   GAWD,  if he isn’t thee most beautiful man who I have ever seen.  He slowly pulls his beanie off his head and twists it in his hands, his mouth begins the slow stretch of his perfect lips into what will become a radiant smile.  I am undone!  Never has anyone had this kind of effect on me. I am suddenly terrified.  Where has my anger gone?  How can I protect myself without it?  I step back and let him in.