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photo by: Mark Mcinnis http://www.wildideasworthliving.com/73
Weeks have gone by and we are existing within a bubble of bliss. Ash and I ride together, talk with each other, laugh together, cook meals together, do laundry together. Most nights he stays over. I actively ignore the conviction that pricks my heart. I deserve this, I deserve to feel happy and alive, I hate the feeling of being alone, I hate being alone with myself. Besides God wants me to be happy.
Its only been weeks since we met and I think that I love him. Just the other day Ash walked into the house and casually asks me, “Hey, where are my three beauties?”, he is asking after the girls but I cannot answer past the lump in my throat. Josh used to call the girls his “three beauties” how would Ash know that, why would he use those words if not for Josh, somehow, being a part of this union? I know its sounds crazy, even in my own head the logic behind it feels flaccid. Josh, somehow orchestrating this, talking to Ash, giving him words to speak to me…… Ugh, I’m reaching for excuses as to why this should continue. A relationship with this guy so much younger than myself. I’m inventing reasons why I should not end this crazy whirlwind with this 18 year old boy who believes himself in love with me and my three daughters. He really is quite amazing with the girls, and oh do they love him. He sees them, talks to them, is interested in what they think and how they are feeling at any given moment. He stoops down to be on their level and snuggles them every chance he is given. I feel whole when the five of us are together. I feel like Josh is behind this whole thing……so why am I crying all the time? I still feel so broken. The fortress that I have so carefully constructed around my heart is weakening. The stronger my feelings grow for Ash, the more acute my pain over losing Josh becomes. I am trying to ignore my inner struggle. “Just have fun Ivy”, my brain tells me, “its not like this can go anywhere anyway.” “This guy is a kid, and a hot one at that, how long do you think he will last with you….a widow….a mother of three……?” All these things are bouncing around in my brain, making me feel crazy and insecure. What if he does tire of me? What if he does leave? Josh left. “What do you care Ivy, you hold all the cards, this guy is a kid, you are only having fun with him, what do you care if he leaves?…..”, my brain is firing off protection phrases to my heart, but my heart is beginning to crack. I don’t think I can handle being left again, I can’t allow myself to be hurt, I begin to close up my heart. “Just have fun with him, enjoy the ride, its not forever.” This will become my mantra, I will repeat this over and over to myself until I start to believe it. I won’t be caught unaware or unprepared again. I will NEVER allow myself to be the one left ever again. I won’t be hurt again, I can’t be hurt again. I will hold all the cards and I will keep them close to my chest. No one needs to know how I really feel, no-one needs to know the truth………the truth that it is already too late, I am already in-love with him. I push that truth down and squeeze my heart into a tiny tight ball. I can control this situation, I will be the first to leave.