One of us has lost our mind and I don’t think it’s me…..When did I lose the ability to trust my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and intuition? I swear if I don’t find anything out today….If I don’t find anything, hear anything, if he doesn’t tell me anything before the sun goes down, I am checking myself into a hospital because my brain has cracked.
It’s gotten so loud, the shouting in my head, nondescript words, and indescribable darkness that makes me feel insane. My husband loves me madly and tells me that I shouldn’t be so insecure because he has never given me a reason not to trust him. He showers me with love and affection, tells me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and promises to love me forever….. It’s getting louder….the noise threatens to deafen me, I am shaking and anxious, my throat knotted tight and hot with emotion that fights to be released. I grip the steering wheel and continue up the hill. I am praying out loud as I fight for clarity…sanity….truth
Something is off……one of us is off……
I have been living for years with this unsettled feeling, A deadly coiled snake in the pit of my stomach, sometimes quiet and sleeping, I can almost forget it is there, but I always feel the weight of it…… heavy, cold, and deadly…..it has no name, I don’t know the reason it is there and recently its become restless writhing and biting, burning and hissing dangerously. I can’t get away from it. I am silently fighting to quiet the beast, telling myself it’s all in my head…. My thoughts race, my body hums with anxiety, and I am unsteady and lethargic. I lack inspiration and creativity, I am desperate to have something of my own so that I don’t feel so dependent and isolated, something that distracts me, something to help me ignore the coiled nightmare.
A couple of years ago I got hired by “United” as a flight attendant, oh I was so excited, the thought of having something that was mine and mine alone, another color to add to the pallet of my identity, something other than “wife” and “mom”. With my husband’s work schedule and the frequency we find ourselves on a plane, what job could be better? The first 6 months would be brutal, 6 weeks of training in Chicago, followed by 6 months of probation, but then…..freedom…… freedom to choose my own schedule, freedom to travel without expense, freedom to join Ash on every location. When I ran it by him he was concerned, his response….,” You can take that job unless it interferes with you and Rian coming on location with me”. My idea of flitting around the US and getting paid for it came to a disastrous crash landing, My priority has always been my husband and my children, so willingly I didn’t take the job.
Fast forward 2 years, it’s 2021 we are back in Hawaii, back with our beloved community, back where everything is familiar and solid, secure and safe…….so why don’t I feel safe? What is wrong with me? Am I losing my mind…..?
