I feel a hurricane coming but I cannot see it, a storm that shatters windows and lifts foundations, I can feel it coming, hear the loud cry of the wind and I have no idea from which direction it is bearing down. “Lord, help me…..today….. I trust you, this needs to end today! I cannot live with this dangerous disquiet another day.” “I promise Lord if I don’t find anything today, if he doesn’t tell me anything today, If anyone doesn’t tell me something today, by the time the sun goes down…..I’ll take myself to a psych doctor.”
As I drive up Snake Road I am reminded of a song my Mom wrote when I was a young girl, a song I used to sing with her when she taught me to sing in harmony. “Tear this house down Lord, but tear it down gently, board by board, pane by pane…… Tear this house down Lord, tear it down gently and with the right hand of your righteousness build it up again………”. I feel like I am about to be “torn” down and it doesn’t feel gentle. Last month when we were in the Dominican Republic the promises of God were everywhere.
Every morning I would walk the beach with Rian, heartbreaking, not sure why, and crying out to the Lord, “What is going on?” “ God, where are you? Are you in this? Why do I feel this way, unsettled, scared, invisible, alone?” I would pray this out loud as Rian and I would walk and ask God to “give us a shell” as tangible trust and He never failed….not once…. We had buckets of beautiful, unbroken shells…… buckets of beautiful reminders that God sees us, hears us, and is with us! Upon arriving back home on island I thought my spirit would quiet and find peace, but peace is elusive, and quiet has become a cacophony of self-doubt and anxiety. “ Oh Father God, this must end today, I cannot live feeling like something is dying……I trust you.”
I’m driving to the library in Kapolei, I am doing something very out of character for me….. I am going on a “deep dive” on a computer that is not traceable back to me. Something beyond myself is pushing for truth, driving me forward with clarity and tenacity, but I don’t know why or what I am “looking” for. I know of nothing false so how will I even recognize “truth” if I am blind to the “lie”? I found some “interesting” texts on my husband’s iPad while in D.R., I called one of my best friends who knows and loves us both, I am in a panic and free falling……….“ NO way Ivy, not your husband, he would never do anything to hurt you or harm your marriage, he loves you madly, don’t even entertain these thoughts.” My friend said these things with such fervor, passion, and conviction that I turned off the iPad and didn’t give it another thought……….Maybe that’s what I am trying to find today……? What did those texts mean, if anything? Could something be going on or have I completely lost my sanity? Maybe I am here to prove myself wrong, prove to myself that I am no longer capable of trusting my “gut” and I am silently searching for nothing……… As I pull into the library parking lot I start to think about past conversations I would try to have with Ash. Many times throughout our marriage when things would feel “off”, I have approached my husband, asking, “ Is there anything you need to tell me? Is there anything you are struggling with?”. I would ask and sometimes the reply would be a simple “no”, other times he would get defensive and question my insecurity, he would say, “What happened to the woman I married? She was secure, when did you become so insecure? I have never given you a reason not to trust me.” He would say this and instantly I would feel convicted and remorseful for my lack of trust and belief in my husband’s character. I knew he was a good man, loving and compassionate, slow to anger and patient. But lately so distant and withdrawn quiet and defensive. “Oh God, let him feel your joy that comes in the morning, let him rejoice in the countless blessings in his life, God cover and protect him, draw him to you, and free him from whatever is binding him…..if anything….”.
I am not very computer savvy, nor do I want to find out anything undesirable about my husband. What am I doing here? This isn’t me….I trust him…..I trust him completely, get out of here Ivy…….go home…….! I sign out of the library computer frustrated and I walk to my car. What is wrong with me, why can’t I silence this screaming in my soul? Where is my peace? This man has been my Superman for years, never giving me a reason to doubt or “check-up” on him. I think I am just feeling insecure and tired. He loves me, he loves our kids, and he would never do anything to hurt us. I shove my phone into my bag and fish out my car key. It’s hot today and the leather is burning my legs as I sit in the parking lot too confused and angry at myself to drive home. I rest my head on my steering wheel. “Man, Ivy, you drove your stupid, insecure self 30 miles from your home to sit here sweating in the car and doubting the man who put your heart back together after Josh died”?. I lift my head, squint into the unrelenting sunshine, blast the a/c, and turn my car toward the freeway. As I merge onto the freeway toward home I start reminding myself of all the times Ash has promised to love me forever, all the times he has assured me that it’s him and I against the world, all the times he has protected our family. What’s wrong with me….? Why is my soul screaming?…..This is Ash…….He would never hurt our family, he would never hurt me…….Help me, Lord……..I trust you…. This must end today! Silence the snake……
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