I’m sitting on the couch, about halfway through my iced coffee, phone in hand, crushing some serious candies. If you know…you know…hahaha. Rian is on the floor playing with Lego. Before we moved back to Oahu Rian and I tediously took apart every Lego set he had, put them in ziplock bags with the corresponding instruction manual, and packed them away so he could enjoy building them again in our new home. He is working on a big ‘Chima” set now. Man, this boy loves to build and loves to work with his hands, a skill he picked up from his Dad. I love that about him, so much like Ash.
I’ve been home for about 2 hours now and feeling more relaxed. I know God has me and I believe in Ash, I believe that he is trustworthy and honest. Maybe the way I have been feeling is just hormones? Maybe all the pain and anxiety I was feeling in D.R. was nothing more than physical warnings of age? I mean I could be going through “the change”. I’m young to be experiencing symptoms, but not uncommon when your mom was young as well.
The snake in my belly is quiet, coiled, cold, but at least still, allowing me moments of ignorance. I love my life, I love our home and this island. I love our community and how well we are loved. I think of our life here and raising our son and daughters here and the opportunities that have been afforded them because of our life. God has been so good to us, blessing our family and finances. Which is why I struggle so much with this disquieting anxiety. I shake my head, “Stop it Ivy, don’t borrow trouble”. My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Ash’s truck backing into our driveway. He drives a big Ford F250 Diesel long bed…..his “dream truck” he calls it, I call it “King”. I name all of our cars….don’t know why…just do. “King” is fitting, it’s big, powerful, and in control like the man who drives it. Odd that he is home now, in the middle of the day. He has been working on the east side of the island this week. A ranch that is often used as a backdrop for movies. Usually, he is gone for 10 hours each day….odd it’s only 3 pm. I am smiling, I love it when he is home, everything feels right and safe. He still makes me giddy. I look up just as he trips through the door….clumsy and desperate, something is wrong, he is crying and can hardly stand upright. What is going on? ‘Ivy, I need to talk to you, please come upstairs, I need to talk to you.” The words inarticulately fall out of him, he sounds despondent …….warning bells start to clang sharp and shrill…….“Ash, what is going on? Are you ok? What happened?” I am beginning to panic, my heart has started to hammer against my ribcage. A slow tremor is starting throughout my body. The snake that was docile moments ago begins to coil and tighten, threatening and sinister. I don’t know if I am cold or hot and the screaming is back so loud I can’t focus. “Oh God did he drop someone at work today? Did one of his rigs fail…..did someone die?” These thoughts race through my mind searching for something tragic enough to warrant Ash’s state of distress. I can’t get up the stairs fast enough but my legs are refusing to move due to the violent tremble that has taken ownership of my extremities. I am behind Ash watching him stumble and trip up the stairs, his legs don’t seem to be working either. Lord God, what happened? Help us, Jesus. Ash crawls on the floor over to the edge of our bed, unable to stand up, sobbing and tripping over his words. I round the corner of our room and shut the door, eyes riveted on him desperate and terrified to hear what he is about to say. There is a moment when everything goes still and silent, the tremble subsides, the screaming is muted, and my soul is open. The snake is a cold hard knot in the pit of my stomach. I am quiet in my spirit, heartbreaking for this man that I love so much who is cracking open on the floor in front of me. I start to move toward him, I want to comfort him, hold him, and tell him everything will be ok…..it always is because we have each other. I start to move toward him when he begins to speak……. the snake coiled in my belly strikes, swift and sharp, poisonous and deadly with the accuracy of a trained marksman……….” I cheated on you Ivy.”