Wilde Birthday………I wrote over this holiday break and am just now posting it…….sorry about the delay
Josh would be 44 today. I was having dinner last night with my sister and brother-in-law, laughing about being young and married and remembering all the stupid things we said and did. Those are the moments that I wish Josh were still alive. I would love to be able to see the middle aged Josh, the more mature grown up version of Josh. I would love for him to know me now, to know who I am growing up to be. I would want to tell him how sorry I am about who I was when we were younger and who I wasn’t. Man, the knowledge and wisdom we glean from experience is astounding and the fact that we cannot recognize our immaturity when we are young is incredible. Oh the battles that I wouldn’t fight now, if I had known then what I know now. The words that I used back then to wound and hurt, the way that I would push him to fight back because I was so desperate for any reaction, even if if was hurtful. Josh and I had so many struggles, so many separations and reconciliations. We loved each other madly and fought insanely. Our “tool” belt was light and lacking tools, it was not very useful back then. I didn’t, couldn’t understand the sacrifice Josh was making at 18. I had no way of understanding what becoming a father felt like to a boy desperately trying to be a man. What he would have to sacrifice and what dreams he watched flit away. I was so absorbed in the moment, in the madness, of being a wife and a mom at 19, that I failed to recognize what Josh was giving up for me.
We had only been married 4 months when our first daughter was born. It was August in Bend and I was 14 days post due date. Josh and I had rented a little two bed one bath bungalow on the westside of town on a quaint street just two blocks from where Josh worked. We could only afford to own one car so Josh rode his bike to work everyday and home for lunch. Lunch usually consisted of a microwaved potatoes with ketchup. Had it not been for my father-in-law delivering a bag of groceries to us weekly, we would have been hungry often.
I went into labor around 9:30 pm and Josh and I headed off to Saint Charles hospital.
“ How did anything matter before her? This little girl with the black staring eyes and the silent entry into my world stole and locked my heart away with her forever! I looked at Josh and we were both crying and laughing and looking bewildered, we had created perfection. In that moment I vowed to never again get mad at Josh for the weed he frequently hid from me. I vowed to keep my mouth shut when hurtful words and angry thoughts threatened to spill out and cause a fight. How could we ever fight again when we have this perfect baby girl to live for?
The next couple of years were hard…..financially, emotionally…..but Kylie was my reason. Josh and I struggled and fought. I wanted a girlfriend/husband, someone who would sit down and chit chat with me, talk about everything and hide nothing. Josh wanted space and freedom to make choices without his over idealistic wife breathing down his neck. Josh felt trapped and parented. I felt lonely and misunderstood. Yet being apart was not an option for either one of us, we still loved each other madly, we just could not figure out how to love one another before we loved ourselves. I couldn’t lay my weapons down from fear of being hurt, lied to, ignored. Josh couldn’t lay his weapons down because he would be left vulnerable and open to an onslaught of criticisms and failures. Getting pregnant again would be the perfect solution to mending a fractured marriage……I was certain….I was mistaken……