Wilde Pivot

I haven’t written in a long time…….honestly, I haven’t known what to share.  My life feels like it is in shambles right now.  I am existing in the darkness of the “already” and the “not yet”.  Part of me wants to blast Ash right now, share with you all of the ways that he has torn at my heart, my security, my future, my confidence……but to what end?  Would my words of complaint, sorrow, pain, and confusion, change anything??    Would blaming another broken human for my brokenness heal my wounds, or justify poor choices, would it bring about peace and restoration, healing and comfort?  

I chose to follow the Lord when I was about 26 following the death of my first husband, Josh.  Losing Josh threw me into a pit of suffocating darkness, tangible loneliness, and anxiety that was debilitating.  I no longer could see my future, let alone see the end of each day.  I cried myself to sleep every night for almost a year, my skin on fire in desperation to be able to feel him again.  My world shrank, my lens was focused only on my daughters and how to get to the next day……and I failed.  It was amid my worst failure as a parent, daughter, friend, and sister……that I gave up…….I gave up……. How could I recover?  How could I move on? I cried out with tears and swear words to the only One that had the power, not only to save me…..but to change me…. 

I thought that when I began this blog I was going to share with you all a beautiful love story of Ash and I…….of how the power of Love can overcome any obstacle, any circumstances, any heartbreak……. But I think the Lord has other plans for this blog……… It is still going to be a beautiful love story…..of that I have no doubt……….but I am learning that the love from my Heavenly Father is greater than any other love.  It’s a love that can heal a broken heart, a love that can establish your true identity, a love that can give you a beautiful future……..love that can quiet your mind and ease your pain, fill you with hope, and give rest to your soul, a love that NEVER gives up, NEVER let’s go, NEVER leaves you lonely………The love story that I am supposed to be sharing isn’t about two messed-up individuals that found each other and “overcame any obstacle”……no, I believe the real love story is about Our Heavenly Father, and how much He loves us…..intimately and tangibly……..how much His heart desires to see us happy and “found” in Him!  

So I am going to “pivot”……… This may not be what you guys want to read…… you may not want to hear about all this “God” stuff….. You may not believe in “God” at all…..but guys I am going to be as honest with you as I can…… I am going to share my heart and the truth about it being in pieces ……. Again……. And the truth is that I know my God has all those broken pieces in the palm of His hand….. I don’t know why I am here in this pit again……wading around in the darkness and uncertainty….but I know my God sits in it with me….. I know my future is fixed and I know it’s going to be good………. I know this because the “fixer of my future” is good.

Until next time……… know this……You are NOT alone and You are Loved……