Sometimes I can forget that you are a profoundly different man, for a moment…..I forget that you traded your family for “freedom”, your loyalty for a lie, and our future for your fantasy. I can forget for a moment and the gnawing, and burning in my stomach subsides and I can swallow without it burning, for a moment my body doesn’t hum and I am not wound up and ready for another hit. For a moment I can pretend that you’re away working and that you will come home, walk in the door, and smile at us as if we are enough. But then it comes, swift and strong, frigid and biting with the broken teeth of selfishness, and slams into me again. The reality is that we are not enough, you won’t ever be coming home to us, you are not away working you are just away because YOU decided……and I remember that my choice was stolen, my son’s choice ripped from his youthful hands with no other explanation than “Im just not happy anymore”. Our security, our future, and our dreams were snatched away from us as if we were undeserving and invisible and we didn’t even have a say in the matter…we didn’t get a choice…our life is now in ruins because of the choice someone else made. Rocking back I try to steady my feet and find calm, I try to find reason in this chaotic circus that is now our life, reasons to give to our son when he tells me that he is confused and needs to understand the “why”. When I don’t understand the “why”….it was never discussed or explained, it was just left silent and limp, lifeless and unmoving…..no talking, no reasoning…..just silent nothingness.
Tell me …..how does one articulate to a 15-year-old boy why his Dad chose to leave? What do you speak into the confusion? How do you convince him to allow himself to feel when he is afraid to allow people access to his heart because the two people who were supposed to guard it……shattered it? He will recover, but he will be badly scarred, forever changed……….. I can forgive offenses done to me…. Its my hurt that I must deal with…….But my son?….his hurt, his brokenness, his confusion………I don’t know how to forgive that……
You are both way more than enough. He is the one that isn’t you’re a vibrant loving and strong woman and your son will sees that my friend and this moment will forever make him a different person in a positive way because he sees how strong you are too. The only answer you can truly give him is to have faith and that God works in mysterious ways. Much love too you
Amen! I am so thankful for our new friendship!
I’m sending you and your son lots of Love & Light ! You are a strong woman and your faith in God is amazing !! I will be praying for you both and remember to love yourself . Living in Love is one souls journey to be just to be , your are more thank enough you a love ❤️…
Thank you so much, your words are so true and encouraging!
You are a very gifted writer girl!! I love you so much. I’m so blessed to call you, my friend and my sister in the Lord your story is not done. God promises to bring good out of the bad.🙌♥️♥️🙏
Joy you are such a gift to me and one of the most influential encouragers in my life!! I thank the Lord for you and am so so blessed to call you among my closest friends!!
Ugggggg…. Can I just run him over already…hahahaha
I love you so much girl! You are doing such an amazing job hanging onto our Father. Jer. 29:11 still applies to your and Rian’s life! I’m so proud of you.
Thank you Ness!!!! And yes feel free to “go for a drive” hahahaha I love you too!!! Couldn’t do what I am doing without all you guys holding me up!!!