Wilde Life

I am writing from a leather cigar chair, in a very distinguished feeling apartment in the heart of the city, in a neighborhood of Atlanta Georgia called “Poncey Highlands. Life has been quite busy and I haven’t had any success finding quiet moments to write, but here I find myself with a quiet morning, a sleeping child, a strong cup of hot coffee and the propulsion to write. We are on location again, in the middle of summer in beautiful “Hotlanta”.
After Kauai we had about three weeks at home. We cut our grass…..it was looking like a jungle when we got home, we built a horse corral (when I say “we” I really mean Ash;)), we finished our perimeter fence……and just in time to enjoy it all, we were on the road again. Ash flew out on July 9th, Rian and I left in Ash’s big Ford F250 diesel truck (oh yes we drove), per his request, and made the long long drive to Atlanta. We arrived here about 5 days ago on the evening of Ash’s 35th birthday. That is not a typo……..hahah for those of you that do not know already, my sweet husband is about 9 years younger than me.

I decided the next morning, the morning after I wanted to “throw in the towel”, the morning after my daughters reminded me that I still had purpose in this world, that I needed to get serious about “change”. I needed to make some extreme life changes, if I wanted to be someone who my daughters could look up to. I needed to change my outlook, change the habits that I had allowed myself to form, change my attitude toward each day that I awoke. Life was a gift and I was squandering it. I was living in a space of self loathing and self-pity, selfishness and bitterness, sadness and lethargy.
I found myself alone most of the time, without healthy relationships, and quite lonely. I had lied so many times to my life long friends and family, that I had destroyed the trust that we once had. The relationships that I needed were the relationships that my choices had destroyed. I had lied so many times to my family and close friends that I could not be trusted. I had to find “Ivy” again. The Ivy that was happy and spontaneous, the Ivy that saw the good in everything, the Ivy that was kind to everybody. The Ivy that I had become was self-serving and cruel, she was a liar and a drug user, and I had an excuse for all of my actions. My excuse was “poor me”.

Listen, I believe someone out there needs to read this………. I understand how pain and sadness can drive a person to poor choices, I understand this because I lived it……. I also understand that ANYONE is capable of making horrible choices. The biggest dissolution that we can have as adults is thinking “Oh, I would never do that”…….. fill in the blank. Or looking at another person and judging their behavior as “something I would NEVER do”, and then elevating your own status above theirs because of the belief that you could NEVER do what THEY had/have done. Guys ALL of us are capable of horrific, ugly, malicious, dark, debauchery. 1 Corinthians 10:12 (that’s in the Bible;)) says this “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” This means that none of us is without the capability to blow it big time! Especially at that moment when we are sitting atop our own “high horse” Think about that the next time you encounter someone who you are “disappointed” with. Maybe think about the road that they have walked to get them down their current road, and extend them some grace, maybe some kindness, and definitely some prayer.
Please, don’t misunderstand me, sometimes we also need to experience some “tough love” to shake us into correction. I needed this. I deserved my alienation, I needed to be isolated, because within my isolation I was able to hear the quiet voice of God calling me out of the life that I had allowed myself to live in. I needed to come face to face with the consequences that my actions had created.

I moved back to the Westside of Bend, the side of town that Josh and I had lived our entire married life together, the side of town that had the memories of Josh and I everywhere. I was living closer to Kylie’s school and found a preschool for Gracie and Lili. I also bought myself a season pass to Mt Bachelor and snowboarding became my new drug. I found solace at the mountain. I didn’t feel my “aloneness” up there. I awoke every morning, got Kylie to school, and headed to the mountain. Sometimes Grace and Lili were with me and went to the Bachelor daycare center while I rode, other days they went to preschool. The exercise made me not only physically stronger, but mentally stronger as well. My frustration and anger, my sadness and bitterness, all my confusion and anxiety got worked out as I beat myself up riding. I began to see glimpses of myself again, maybe I could survive without Josh, maybe I could have a life that was worth living even though it was not going to be the picture that I had created for myself. Maybe I could let the Lord lead and begin again to enjoy the ride.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I am committing my life to the written word for all to see and judge. Some days I don’t have an answer as to the why. Some days, like today I experience a compulsion to write that I cannot deny or escape. I was told once by a young woman just days after Josh died that “the wrong parent died”, that “its should have been Ivy not Josh”. Though those words cut me to the very core of my being and though I knew that the individual who spoke them spoke them out of spite and hatred, those words forever changed my understanding and desire of leaving a legacy.  Websters Dictionary has many definitions for the word “legacy”,  a couple are this: something handed down from one generation to the next………something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past…. “ Legacy” does not always refer to a monetary inheritance….it can refer to an inheritance far more powerful and meaningful than “stuff”. I determined that day that I would leave my daughters a legacy.  One that they could look upon with pride and honor. A legacy that they, as grown women would want to live up to, a legacy that Josh would be proud of in the wife and daughters that he had to leave behind.

I had to ask myself “did the wrong parent die?, Did my daughters get “stuck” with me?, Did I deserve to still be alive?”. The answer quite honestly at that time in my life was “no”. I was involved with another person at the time of Josh’s death, I was frequently using cocaine, I was stealing money from friends and family members, I preferred the bar to the company of my own daughters. I wish that I could say “I went south after Josh died” however the truth of the matter is that I was on a south bound train long before Josh’s death. Josh’s death was the blow that cast me into a pit, a pit that I did not have the strength to pull myself from alone.
I wallowed in that pit for months after Josh died. A pit of self loathing and bitterness, of shame and regret. Six months later I had reached my breaking point. I had locked myself in my room, shutting out my daughters and my reality. I called my mom on the phone to ask her to come pick up the girls. My mom asked me why and I very honestly replied, “I am done, I cannot do this one more day, I hate my life, I miss Josh more than air and I cannot get up off of the floor”. At the time I was laying on my side in a ball sobbing uncontrollably. I had lost my will to move forward, even for my daughters. My mom asked, “honey, where are the girls right now?” I replied, “in the living room”, “Why are they not with you?” she asked’ “I have locked them out, I don’t want them to see me like this”, “Let them in, honey, let them comfort you”, “No, I don’t want them to see me like this and I don’t have the ability to move” “Honey!,” my mom spoke firmly now “Open up that door Ivy, I will NOT come and get the girls unless you do, those girls need to see their mama and they need to comfort you, its ok for them to see you cry they need to know that its ok to cry!” She delivered those words with gentleness and finality! I rolled to my hands and knees, I crawled like a baby to the door, reached up unlocked the door and cracked it just a smidge, “Girls” I croaked out. I pushed myself to a sitting position ,”indian style” just as their little feet and pudgy faces pushed through the door. One look, they knew, and they rescued me. Lili was 2, she crawled up into my lap and gently laid her head to my chest, Kylie my oldest, was 7, and the care giver, she stood century behind me letting me know that she was my rear guard, and Gracie my amazing Grace, was 4, she bent over at the waist, placed both her chubby little palms on my tear-stained cheeks, looked into my eyes and through my soul and asked, “You miss daddy, mama?” , I broke, “more than I can bear right now!” I spoke through broken sobs and a watershed of tears and heartbreak. “Its ok Mama,” Gracie replied earnestly with the conviction of a pure and innocent soul, eyes still locked on mine, “ daddy’s still here with you now, you just can’t see him.” My daughters showed me the face of Jesus. They reminded me that I have never been alone! At that moment my girls became a life line for me thrown down the side of that pit. I grasped that line, as I grasped their tiny little bodies against my chest with everything that I had left and determined to be the mom that they deserved, the parent that was still alive, the parent that was going to leave them a legacy of forgiveness, a legacy of grace.

I wanted my daughters to be proud of me, to be able to look at me with pride in their eyes and say, “ That’s our mom!!!”  I wanted them to have a desire to become honorable women. Women who would operate from a position of tolerance, forgiveness, kindness, and grace…. I wanted them to see those things in me.
I am only who I am because of what God has taught me through trials and triumphs. My desire to please him is far greater than any other desire. I know what it feels like to live a life separated from the love and comfort of Jesus, and I am desperate to never experience that again. I am not saying that I won’t experience more tragedy in my life, however I know that I will not walk it alone. The Bible says “nothing can separate us from the love of God”, there is one thing however that can………… ourselves!!! If you are feeling alone, if you are in despair, if you are feeling like you cannot move forward, if you are in a pit………look up!  Look up and see the face of Jesus, recognize that you are not alone!! No matter where you are, who you are, what you are doing, or what you have done, you are loved.
My writing, my remembering, my sharing is my legacy. I want my daughters to see the fingerprints of God the Creator, Jesus the comforter, all over my life, even in the midst of heartbreak.

Aloha~ Ash and I and Rian are currently in Kauai. Kauai is called the “Garden State” and rightly so, everything is so green and wet and overgrown. It should be called the “Greenhouse” Island. Rian and I arrived Saturday April 28th, following a week on Oahu visiting friends that are family. Ash has been here a bit longer prepping for the movie that has brought us here for 2 months. I am excited for this location, I have never spent time on this island. In the 12 years that Ash and I and our kids lived here we never explored this island. Its crazy the overwhelming feelings that these islands invoke within my spirit. Feelings of security, safety, belonging.  I can understand why Ash was so drawn to this place all those years ago, I can understand, while we now live in California, Hawaii will always be home for Ash.  I can’t say that I feel as strongly about Hawaii as Ash does,  Hawaii is special for me, of course, however if someone were to ask me where my “home” is, my answer will always be, “Ash is my home, where he goes, I will go”.
I meet many people in this industry. I meet them for a concentrated short stent and then move on to the next job or location and the cycle continues. I find myself, most often with the wives of other stunt men who have come for a visit. We are drawn together for companionship in this crazy life style. Most often other couples are intrigued with the love and affection that Ash and I still have for each other after so many years of being together. We provide proof to other couples that “growing apart” or “losing that spark” can be combatted. Passionate love and mutual respect can win out in the end. I find myself often encouraging other wives in their marriages and answering many questions as to how Ash and I are still so much “in love”. That answer comes with some weighty truths and a long-winded answer……..hahahahaha, but seriously guys are you surprised?? 😉
My husband is good to me, he is patient and gracious and has few expectations of me, for the most part, but he is emotionally driven, and prone to moodiness, depression, and withdraws into his own quiet solitude often. I am out going, talkative, wild and vivacious, I love people and am most often, happy and optimistic, however, I am an over-reactor and controlling and obsessively routine driven. Ash and I are so different that we could be the poster children for the slogan “ opposites attract”. I wake up in the morning ready to go, coffee in hand and wanting to talk…..about everything…..hahah Ash wakes up quietly and slowly, whether coffee is in hand or not, he is NOT ready to talk…..about anything….. Ash is methodical and steady, I am spontaneous and twitchy. Ash gets defensive and does not like to be told what to do, I am not defensive and don’t mind being bossed around. So how in the world do we meet in the middle? How do we make this thing work while still experiencing passion and friendship?
As I said previously, Ash is my “home”, not the four walls that we will pay for over the next 20 plus years, not the state I was born in, not even where the majority of my family is. I made a choice the day that I married Ash to become his helpmate, his companion, his partner for life. We made a commitment, a promise, a covenant, we made a choice. We didn’t promise to love each other until we “grew apart”, we didn’t make a decision together to “ride it out while its fun”, we chose life. Life means until one of us dies. Listen, if you hear nothing else in this blog, hear this……A “promise” is binding…..look “promise” up in Webster’s dictionary…. it states: “a declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or that a particular thing will happen”…… have you ever heard your grandpa say “my word is my bond”, or our contract was a handshake…….. You see we used to believe in promises, in “hand shakes”, in our word…… Unfortunately today promises are ceasing to exist, or the very definition of “promise” is changing. We “promise” to love our spouse forever, until we “grow apart”, or “lose that spark” or the ever popular “fall out of love……….thats not a promise…. THATS A BUNCH OF CRAP GUYS!!!! Love is a VERB it is an action word!!!! There are mornings when I wake up and “feel” life I want to punch Ash square in the nose. I am not experiencing the “feelings” of love.  Maybe he’s not listening to me, or he is being defensive, he is moody and crabby….whatever it is can make me “feel” like I am not “in love” with him at that moment. LOVE, compels me to walk my “wishy washy” feelings into the kitchen and make my partner a cup of coffee because I know it will make him smile. LOVE is actively over looking fleeting feelings to administer to the “one” you chose. LOVE is choosing kindness, respect, and tolerance for your partner before yourself. I bet some of you are freaking out right now huh…… I bet some of you are saying “why the hell should I put my husband/wife before myself when he/she never puts me first?? Because you “promised” that you would….
Because “love” is an action word, and we know that an action always creates a “reaction” …….. when you actively “love” another what do you suppose will happen to the person receiving that kind of love? Ash has actively “loved” me when I was undeserving of love…..those are the moments that I learned how to love him in return, that was the “reaction”…… I reacted to love with an understanding of love and the ability to return it.
I wish that I could say, “ love is a two-way street”, but I cannot……love is often a one way street. Jesus Christ is the perfect picture of this truth…… Some of you are about to close this window because I just mentioned “god stuff” and that makes you feel uncomfortable, or maybe the voice inside your head just said, “oh god!!! She’s one of “those””, or perhaps you suddenly feel “sorry” for me because you believe that I must be weak to believe in a God of the Universe. Its ok with me, if that is your truth, because it does not change this fact…… You are loved completely by the God of the Universe, who created you on purpose, with purpose, and in His sight you are perfect and worthy of love!!! He sees beyond your mistakes, beyond your disguises, beyond your feelings of disgust toward Him. You see, despite who you are, what you have done, or how much you may hate the idea of God, it doesn’t change the truth of who He is or that He does in fact exist and love you madly!!!! It doesn’t change the fact that he paid the ultimate price for you, knowing that we may not believe in Him, knowing that we may not receive Him, knowing that some of us may even hate Him. He actively pursues us because He loves us. ……. that my friends is the one way street of love.

After all the years, after all the heartache, the struggles, the fights, the tears…….. After all that, to hear that I WAS worth it to him. To know that I was the woman that he wanted, that I was the “girl of his dreams” as he so sweetly professed. To know that we could start over, we could together repair our family and begin to heal. I was over joyed, but I was also skeptical. I loved Josh, but boy did he have to power to destroy me. I was nervous and apprehensive, but I was willing.
We never got our chance to “date” again. Never got the chance to start over. We never got another chance to live together as husband and wife, mom and dad, friends and companions.

Its Monday and I am back to work today. I started working at a restaurant about 3 months ago. I enjoy it more than retail. The hours are better, I get to work with my friends and I always go home with money in my pocket. I have been asked, by the manager, whom is also a great friend of mine, if I would be willing to get licensed in the state of Oregon to be a bartender. The classes are in Prineville for two days, all of Tuesday and all of Wednesday followed by a test. I’m excited about being able to tend bar, the money is better and less running around then waiting tables. I just have to figure out what I am going to do with the girls for the next 3 days. I work tonight starting at 4:30 – 10:00 pm and have to be in Prineville tomorrow morning by 7:00 am. I better check in with Josh to see if he can help me out with the girls this week. I talk to my mom on the phone and she can watch the girls Wednesday after school if someone is willing to drive them out to Sisters. Josh doesn’t have a driver’s license right now due to a DUI, so I’ll have to find the girls a ride out to Sisters and I will need to pick them up after my test on Wednesday night to bring them home. Josh usually watches the girls the nights I work after he gets off work on Mondays and Tuesdays so if he can leave work early to be to my house by the time they get out of school everything should work out. Ugh sometimes my life feels like juggling kittens.
I pull up to Josh’s work around 3:30 pm. I walk in to his building and say hello to the receptionist. They all know me there. It’s a pretty small company and Bend is a small town. The owner has really taken a liking to Josh, and Josh seems genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time.
I am told to “go on back” to where Josh is working and I comply. I open the door to the lab and there he is, white lab coat, freshly cut hair, new Armani glasses and the butterflies in my stomach take flight. How after all these years and issues does this man still have this kind of effect on me? My cheeks flush and I try to mask the truth that he has any effect on me at all. “Hi, You” I say with a smile, “ I just came by on my way to work to make sure our schedules align for the girls”. I proceed to tell him about the next couple of days and make sure that the girls can just spend the night with him up at his folks house, due to the late hour that I will be coming home. Josh easily complies and seems excited to be spending some extra time with the girls. He also reminds me that he is unable to pick the girls up Wednesday night from my moms out is Sisters due to his Dads birthday. Josh and his Dad were going to celebrate his Dads 50th birthday with a round of golf and Josh was looking forward to it. Again I am taken aback by how happy he seems. “Babe”, Josh sweetly says to me with a sheepish grin, “ I have something to show you” as he says this his beautiful face cracks open into the biggest toothiest grin. “What?” I ask giggling. Josh reaches into his pocket and pulls out his valid drivers license. He has a huge grin on his face as he says “I got it back this morning!!! I can pick up the girls again.” “Thats awesome!” I say and turn to walk out. “Babe!”, Josh barks at me as I’m about to walk out the door. I turn around and look at him,”yes”?? “ You know that I love you right???” he says with sweet intensity. My stomach flops, my knees start to hum “I love you too Josh” , I say and I mean will all certainty. I walk out smiling and jump into my car, feeling for the first time in a long time, like my life is good.

Never in a million years thinking that I have just seen my husband for the last time in this lifetime……..

 

I haven’t written in a while, I have been waiting to feel inspired about what next to share with all of you.
Notice the picture above…..hahaha yep that’s me in all my glory and pretty much sums up my personality in a picture. I am HAPPY, I have so much joy, I love this life and the people in it….I love being a part of this world and the diversity we all share. So why am I so happy? How do I maintain joy in the midst of heartache and disappointments. How is it that this world and the realities of living here don’t prove stronger than this joy. How has a broken marriage, dishonesty, heartbreak, tragedy, death, financial distress, and fear taken a back seat to this happiness? And, is this “joy” and “happiness” possible for everyone else or is it just a “God given” personality trait? I believe it is a choice followed by a promise…… let me explain…;)
When I was 26 years old, Josh died in a car accident. He died 16 days after we had decided to repair our marriage. After we had decided to, finally, let the past go and forgive each other. We both had been unfaithful to each other, we both had been dishonest, hurtful, selfish, angry, broken……..
It was June 5th, 2000. Kylie, our oldest daughter, was 6 years old and involved in her “end of the year” kindergarten performance at school. Kylie’s school was just a block from our house. Josh and I were not living together at the time. We had had our third daughter about 2 years prior during a “good” stint and then our marriage dissolved again when she was 1-year-old. Her name is Lili, she was 2 years old at this time. Gracie was 4 years old.
Josh, was living at his parents house at the time, so he drove over and had parked at my house so that we could all walk together down to the elementary school to watch Kylie perform in the program. It was to be the last school function of the year. To be honest I cannot even remember what the program was about, everything is a bit of a blur. The thing that I remember is the instant repair that began to occur that night inside my broken heart.
I loved Josh more than anything, I could not accept my life without him. He was my whole world. He was my first love, at that time my only love. I saw no future without him, but I had given up on us. I was resolved in my believing that he and I were just not meant to be together. Allowing the weight of that truth to sit upon my heart was too much, too crushing, so I ceased to allow myself to feel. I became hard and angry, bitter and resentful, mean and “shut-off”. So when he asked me if we could “talk” after the program, I rolled my eyes and with a sigh of told him to “make it quick”, I had plans that night.
We walked outside, to the back of the school yard where the playground was so that the girls could play distractedly while Josh and I “talked”. I dropped down in a swing with a sigh and glanced up at Josh with a look of boredom and a spirit of resentment. “What is it Josh?”, I asked him, completely not caring one way or the other about the words he was going to speak. I no longer cared…..at this point, nothing he was going to say was going to make a difference…… or so I had tricked my heart to believe.
“Ivy”, Josh quietly began. I looked up and saw a gentleness in his eyes that I had not seen in years, I saw a vulnerability there that I had not seen since we first met and fell in crazy love together I saw an openness that I forgot Josh was capable of and my stomach jumped then squeezed tight I began to feel those flutters in my stomach like a naive teenage girl, I instantly couldn’t wait to hear what he had to say…..damn my weak and disloyal heart.
Josh began to speak quietly and purposefully, staring directly into my eyes and soul, “I am so sorry sweetie, so sorry that I have hurt you, lied to you, pushed you away, and allowed our family to be broken. I am so sorry it took me this long to realize that you are the girl of my dreams, and I want my family back!” My world shifted on its axis in that moment. I wanted to scream and cry, stand up and run, beat his chest and kiss his mouth all at once…..petrified I sat. Am I hearing this correctly, am I hearing the words that I have longed for, the words that I was convinced I would never hear…….. Josh wanted me??? He was apologizing? He wasn’t pointing the finger or placing blame, which he rightfully could have done? “Ivy”, he began again,”Can we start over? Can we forget these last 7 years and begin again? I promise I will be different, I will fight for you, for us, for our daughters, please let me come home, give me another chance, I promise I am different.” What?? My insides are breaking up, I want to scream “YES” oh God thank you, all I want, all I have ever wanted is him………I cannot speak past the lump in my throat and the ache in my heart. “Josh”, I squeak out, “We don’t even know how to be friends anymore……we can’t just pick up and start again, too much has happened.” “I know” Josh replied with eyes downcast, “But I will not give up on us Ivy, lets start slow and get to know each other again.”
I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted to forgive the past, forgive him, and start over. All I ever wanted throughout the lies, the separations, the fights, the deception, the heartache, was for him to want me, to fight for me, to tell me that I was his desire. I was hearing those words now from him, from a place of vulnerability and honesty and I believed him. After everything I believed in him. So why couldn’t I shout “YES”? I was afraid, so afraid of being hurt again, afraid of being alone again, afraid of being left. I looked up at Josh from my seat on the swing and said, “Why don’t we first try to be friends again. Lets begin as if we don’t know each other, lets hang out as friends.” This was not what Josh wanted to hear, I am sure, but he accepted my fig leaf and I his and we called for the girls and walked home. Josh hung out with us at the house the rest of the evening and things were different. I could see it in him and I could feel it in myself. Josh had made a choice to lay his weapon down, which gave me the security to think about laying mine down.
He died 16 days later………… my reality broke……….my world went black.

cont……….

June 1997
Well I lived in my apartment for about 9 months before I began to feel the “itch” of change. I like change, I always have, I am sure I have “gypsy” blood coursing though my veins. I also have the propensity to look before leaping, without any real thought about the future. I found a house on the westside of Bend that I MUST move in to. The landlord is giving me a screaming deal at $750 a month, which is way more then I can afford alone, however Josh and I have been doing really good lately and I think he is going to move in with me again. Josh finally got a really good job. He works for a company called “ReyTech” and he seems to really enjoy the work.
This house is on the westside of Bend and its a block from the house that Josh was born in. The house is yellow with white trim and has a front porch and a storage shed that Josh could turn into a shaping and glassing room. I am nervous about moving back in together. When Josh and I are together and doing good our life feels like heaven, I feel like we can take on the world, like we are unstoppable. When Josh and I are fighting, my world crashes, I get depressed and crazy and I feel like I cannot go on! I miss him and hate him and I don’t trust a thing that he does or says. I have been known to follow him when he doesn’t know it and try to “catch” him doing something wrong so that I have a reason to freak out and scream and yell and hurt him. None of Josh’s really good friends like me, they all think that I am crazy. I have shown up at their houses before screaming, demanding to see Josh, convinced that he is there hiding from me. The other thing that has got me feeling crazy is that Josh has been living with various people and though he tells me no relationships have occurred, honesty has not always been a part of our relationship. I don’t know if I can trust him, even if I wanted to. Will I be able to start over? Will I be able to let go of the past, or things that have already occurred….things that I cannot change? Or will I be the girl that stock piles and hordes past sins and mistakes like little bullets and sharp darts and send them flying at him when he least expects it. Am I capable of letting go, of forgiveness, of moving forward? Honestly, I don’t know???
I am going to try. I will try to be happy and start over, after all its June, the sun is beginning to get warm and I am moving into my dream house!

July 1997
I am sick and I am angry and I cannot get my emotions together enough to tell Josh. I cannot believe that this has happened again! We are finally getting along, finally getting to a place where we are having fun together and not fighting so much. I don’t want this. I don’t want to be pregnant again!

 

Its December 21st, 1996….Winter solstice and I am feeling wild!! The girls and I have been living in our apartment now for 4 months and we love it. The space that it affords Josh and I must be good because he and I are getting along fantastically. He has been in between jobs, so he has been available to watch the girls often while I work. He seems to be happier lately, I am seeing glimpses of the Josh I met 4 years ago. We get along great if we don’t talk about anything important or about the obvious problem……….. being married yet separated! Part of me is content with this arrangement, but the larger part of me is frustrated and bitter toward Josh because he seems too content with being apart. I am unable to recognize that the space might just save our relationship if I allow some time to pass. Instead I play games and manipulate my words to try and hurt him. I feel like I am unwanted and not worth fighting for, so I begin to act out, I begin to not trust or believe what Josh tells me……..where has he been…..who was he with……is he seeing anyone while we are separated????? Bend is small, people talk, especially when its “talk” that stirs up drama!!! It wouldn’t matter what he tells me, I wouldn’t believe him!
I am getting ready to go out tonight with some friends. Josh will be here soon to stay with the girls. Its snowing outside and the temperature is frigid! I hate this time of year! But, tonight should be fun, my friends and I are going to a winter solstice party in a yurt! Yurts are all the rage in Bend right now. An alternative way to live minimally! I don’t know the girl who is hosting the party, but my friends do and I have heard about her around town. She is known for throwing great parties……lots of alcohol and lots of weed. I still have not tried weed. I think I haven’t because its the one thing that I can use against Josh in a fight. I can play the “I’m better than you” card because I am “straight edge”. Tonight that changes! I am tired of being the “good” one! I want Josh to know what it feels like to have the shoe on the other foot. He can stay home with the girls and I am going out to be wild and crazy and “bad”. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a reaction out of him.
The party is not what we expected…..too many people, not enough room to move around, and no weed to smoke….. We leave and head to my friends house. She is going to make us “special” brownies. I am nervous, I have never tried anything before and I don’t really want to now, however I have told my friends that tonight is the night and they won’t let it go! I am wondering if I should just go home, cruise with the girls, try and work things out with Josh,  he was being really sweet to me before I left tonight, even wrote me a letter.   As I am working out a way to “bow out” I am handed a glass of champagne to celebrate the winter solstice and soon enough my resolve floats away among a thousand tiny bubbles. The brownies are out of the oven and smelling too delicious to ignore. We help ourselves to a generous portion and turn on the TV, before too long the pan is empty, I am feeling full and warm and fuzzy and everything is hilarious! I have no idea how long we hang out there in the living room but when we finally decide to call it a night I am feeling numb, relaxed, and the air outside no longer feels cold.
Josh calls me out the minute I step inside the door. “What is wrong with you?”, he asks with a smirk. “Are you stoned?”. I start giggling and flirting and wondering to myself why are we not together? This is silly, do we even have problems?? Josh seems to enjoy this side of me and flirts back. He stays the night.
The girls wake me up the next morning at 6 am. I have a splitting headache and have only been asleep for about 4 hours. Josh is gone, maybe he had work today? I can’t remember.  The reality of my night hits me like a train. I begin to cry uncontrollably.

 

Its February, the month of love. What does that mean to most of us? Perhaps you are thinking about who is going to be your valentine this year. Who will take you to dinner, buy you flowers, surprise you when you least expect it. Are you going to get that trip that you have been hinting about, that specific gift that you are expecting. Will he, or she, make you feel like you are the most important person in the world? Or are you thinking about past regrets, hurts, relationships? Maybe the “one that got away” or the one that is causing you so much pain now. Guys, I would encourage you to do something different this year, within the “month of love”. I encourage you to change the lens of your heart. “What in the world is that???” You ask……….
I haven’t shared my heart much with you all…I have told you parts of my story, I have exposed small truths about myself, my husbands, my past….but the truth behind the beating of my heart, behind my joy in the midst of radical circumstances and pain….. the reason that I love people, is this…… In the pit of my despair, when I was using drugs to numb the pain of what I had lost, when I was so far emotionally detached from my daughters that I could not sit down and read them a book, when I was a liar, selfish, self centered, hateful, cruel, and incapable of love, someone gently met me in that pit, pulled me up and loved me. Guys, do you have ANY idea how much you are loved? You, each and every individual you….. have been specifically and purposefully designed with intention. The God of the universe, the creator of the world, the power that pushed our earth into motion, designed you exactly the way you are…..on purpose!!! Your freckles, your curly hair, big booty, huge nose, ears that stick out, thick bones, green eyes, thick thighs, short legs, short arms, fat arms, skinny arms, ………. on and on and on. He knows how many hairs are on your head…how?? He put them there!!!!! He made you PERFECT! I am not talking about a religion people, I am talking about the Creator that made you with a purpose and loves you MADLY!! God the Father wants to be a part of your waking and your sleeping, He wants to exist with you, be a part of your everyday life. JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE……HE WANTS TO MEET YOU THERE!!! Guys this is not a religion that I am trying to tell you about! This is a relationship! This is a love that goes beyond what ANY human is able to personify, what ANY human can give…..a love that only he can give because all he is, is LOVE! I have the ability to love people that I do not know, forgive people that have crushed my heart, believe in people who have lied to me, because that is what He did for me! He showed me how, he taught me how…….
I lied to everyone in my family. I lied so many times that they no longer believed a word that came out of my mouth, my family no longer wanted to be around me. My heart broke within a failing marriage to Josh, broken trust, broken vows, and then he died. I was bitter and angry, hurt and bleeding. I wanted to give up, I wanted to be the one that had died. I was left……
I could have been hateful and despondent, I could have given in to my desire to “numb” away the pain with drugs, I could have remained removed and self-centered…… but who wants to live like that?? Is that living at all?? I could have turned my face away from the hand that reached down to rescue me, I could have ignored the truth that I was living in a pit of despair, I could have chosen bitterness and cruelty….I had every right to!!! But……. I wanted to feel love again, I wanted to feeling joy, I wanted a reason to smile, I wanted the pain to subside so that I could breath, I wanted to be set free!!! So…. I chose in that moment to “change the lens” of my heart. Open up, look up, be willing to be vulnerable, be willing to be taught again, be willing to allow the Creator of the Universe, whom I could not see, to love me, to forgive me, to teach me how to love the way he loves me!
The way that he loves each and everyone of you!!! God loves you best guys!! Because God knows you best! God knows every single one of your mistakes, your flaws, your lies, your secrets…..and still he loves you best!! He put you together, he designed you with his hands, to him, you are perfect and beautiful……however flawed the world says that you are! No love is greater then that!!!
So I encourage you again to “change your lens” this month of Love!!! Try and turn your lens to others, rather then on yourself. Ask yourself, how can I love on another? What gift can I give. Who can I show unconditional love to, whether I think they deserve it or not. Who can I forgive, or by flowers for, who can I believe in or take to dinner, who can I love this month of love………just because………

“I cannot do this anymore, I am taking the girls and moving out!!!” , I am screeching now, beginning to live up to the nickname that Josh has so lovingly named me…… “f*cking crazy”…… I am seething and crying and desperate for Josh to fight back. I am desperate to hear him say, “I’m sorry Ivy, don’t go”…. but he is just standing there telling me that I am f*cking crazy, that the smell I am smelling is just a f*cking cigarette.
I have been working full time for the the last few months, Josh has been fired for failing a drug test and is having trouble finding another job. Our second daughter, Gracie, is 9 months old now and the happiest, easiest baby. Oh how I love being a Mom and I am bitter and resentful towards Josh about not being able to stay home with my girls. The only thing that I can ever remember wanting to be is a mom. I want to be home with them, I am cold and critical of Josh. I am not being understanding or supportive, I want him to feel horrible. I use my words as sharp, painful weapons.
I got off early today from “Baby Knickers”. I am a manager there now. The owner has taken a liking to me and let me join her on a few “buying” trips for the stores inventory. Baby Knickers is a boutique children’s clothing store, with specialty clothes and toys. I seem to have a knack for knowing what will sell, and I love being in customer service… not to mention I get to dress up my girls like little matching dolls at a discount.
I’m excited about getting off early, maybe Josh and I and the girls can have a “fun” day. Maybe walk to the park or downtown to Goody’s, the local candy shoppe. I walk in the front door and am met by a billow of pot smoke, so heavy and thick that the furniture appears blurry. My face starts to get hot, my chest is beginning to pound, all rational thought and the ability to communicate calmly has just flown the coup. I walk around the hallway corner and peer inside the girls room to see them both asleep. I head for the basement, sure that I will find Josh there. I start yelling like a crazy person, “you son of a bitch, what the f*ck are you doing?!!!!!!!” “Our daughters are in to house”!!!!!! “What are you freaking out about Ivy”, Josh growls out…”Its just a f*cking cigarette!” I have never smoked weed, I tried to smoke a cigarette once and nearly lost my lunch. I am not a big drinker, I have never really enjoyed feeling woozy. I use this as ammo against Josh. Clearly, I am the better parent, maybe even person, because I don’t struggle with any kind of vice. Josh assumes that I am really naive or stupid, this makes me go even crazier.
I am angry that Josh has hot boxed the house with our daughters inside, I am maniacal about him lying to me. I want him to just admit that what he is doing is stupid and a lousy thing for a father to do. I want him to say that he is sorry and that he will stop smoking and lying about it, I want him to stop me from packing my daughters and my bags. I want him to fight for me to stay. I want to tell him that I love him, that he is hurting me, that I don’t want to fight with him anymore. Instead I scream like a banshee “You are a piece of shit!!!!, I’m done with you!!!! Its over!!”
I throw our bags in the car and peel out. I’ll go to my Mom and Dads place in Sisters, about 30 minutes away. I won’t tell him where I am going. I’ll stay there until he calls and apologizes, I’ll show him!
Three days and nights go by……..Josh never calls, Josh never tries to find me. I want to hurt him the way that I am hurting. I drive to Bend and find an apartment for rent. I am going to tell him that I am moving out…again, this time with an application in hand. Maybe this will get a reaction out of him, maybe this will get him to fight for me. Maybe I won’t really have to move out…….